The death I’ll save for retirement

Posted on August 26th, 2009 4 great comments. Room for one more!

Oh, Gene.

Let me start by saying that KISS ended up doing the right thing and scheduling that concert in Oshawa. Good call, gentlemen. But I guess Gene Simmons didn’t like the negative spotlight of this little aside and he went and started blaming the media for spoiling the surprise the band had had in store the entire time.


What was the surprise again? I mean, the cat was out of the bag and running around the room hissing and  breaking things when KISS announced that Oshawa had won the well-publicized contest. Toronto was a contender in that contest, as were Los Angeles and New York. Was the “special” surprise that the winner wouldn’t be getting a visit from the group? Would they be revealing some awesome piece of the show simply by announcing that they would be having a show? That would make the tour an awful spoiler. Contest too.

I don’t get it.

Another thing I don’t get is this story of the twenty-two year old student who faked his own kidnapping last weekend. Well, no, I get the story; I don’t get the plan behind it.

If you don’t want to read the whole article, basically the guy called his family some time in the middle of the afternoon last Saturday. He said two guys with guns were trying to run him off the road. Then silence. Parents called the cops; “he’s been kidnapped!” Almost immediately, strange facts start to pop up in the news. He’d just been fired from his part-time job at IBM and was also arrested for stealing stuff. And he had two grand in his pocket at the time of the kidnapping, allegedly on his way to fly out of the country; a big no-no on account of the theft thing.

Then, yesterday, they found the guy in St. Catharines. No kidnappers. No kidnapping. Just a snitch.

Disappearing, okay, that I can appreciate. The kidnapping though. I mean, that’s a guaranteed manhunt; even more people looking for you. And it’s a race against time because now there’s reason to believe your life may be in danger. Sweet sweet irony.

aha! they're not stone workers at all!

Look, if you’re evading the law, the best and only way is to fake your own death. Something fiery and bally you can watch from the distance while sipping a rare liqueur. I’ve been considering the various avenues now that the government has decided it’s time for me to start paying my back taxes :( Death is an option.

But that’s not my m.o. I’ll just have to become a master criminal so cunning that the shadowy income I pull in will quickly eliminate any debt I have. The death I’ll save for retirement.

What’s the alternative? Blogging? HahahHAHAHahAHAHAhahe hehe HAHAHAhaha! Oh man that’s funny. *wipe tears*

Huzzah for blogging!

4 Comments on “ The death I’ll save for retirement ”

  • Inge'
    August 26th, 2009 9:15 pm

    That whole back taxes thing is a nightmare. I know first hand about that. I finally asked the IRS just how was I supposed to pay off all this debt? What if I died? She said then it would be null and void. So I'm thinking I have to die to get a break?! Still planning my own fake death/slot machine retirement plan.

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  • Patrick
    August 27th, 2009 10:33 am

    I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one with a plan, Inge. The other alternative I was considering was simply to become homeless since the amount I pay is a percentage of my income. Whatever percent times zero is still zero!

  • Dianne
    August 27th, 2009 1:09 pm

    For anyone who is TRULY a fan of KISS, we know several things: 1) YES, Gene Simmons loves his money .. 2) KISS doesn’t screw their fans.

    I didn’t vote for Oshawa (I voted for London .. my current home town and we’re getting a show too *grin*), but I was absolutely floored by the freakout that Oshawa had when their name wasn’t on the tour list that was released. YES, I can totally understand why that happened, so I’m really not bashing them at all .. but for those that really “GET” Kiss, they should have known that Oshawa would not be left in the dust.

    I do agree that the very first show announces SHOULD have been the Oshawa show. I was there at Park Place in Oshawa with my boyz from Destroyer .. got their pics taken in front of the awesome KISS van and knew darn well that Oshawa deserved to win the contest.

    Anyway.. just sayin LOL. Great blog btw! Nice to see some home-town content :)) Oh .. and sorry for the novel here haha!

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  • Patrick
    August 27th, 2009 11:41 am

    Thanks, Dianne. Nice to get a comment from a local too … and by all means, novel away!

    The KISS thing was just handled badly. Oshawa had every right to freak out. The raison d'etre for the contest was that KISS would play in the winning town. When Oshawa won, KISS' PR person didn't say, "we'll announce the date later," or "Congratulations! We're just working out the details," etc. Instead of acknowledging that Oshawa had won and that something would happen, they simply said, "Sorry, no concert. Town's too small." That was the problem. Maybe the KISS spokesperson could've given some thought as to how this contest thing would work, maybe?

    But in the end, KISS demonstrated that they are media-savvy and that, really, the whole thing was just a PR error. Minor hiccup, they fixed it, nobody got hurt. Paul Stanley basically said, "Oops! Sorry for the misunderstanding, folks. We understand why our fans might be upset by this," and that could've been that.

    Then Gene Simmons decided to have his say. Oi!

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