First off there’s the budget surplus which seems to be growing by tens of millions per day, which runs exactly opposite to the claims that Rob Ford made about a budget deficit which, if they’re to be believed, is also growing ($382 million last February, $774 at present). I use the word “believed” because only a few short months earlier, Toronto was running a healthy surplus. What happened? Rob Ford got elected, that’s what.

The astute reader may say, “but we’re talking about the operating budget here”, to which there’s a simple reply: that’s the proposed budget — the one Rob Ford pulled out of his ass with the help of his overpaid buddies at KPGM, at the start of his term to support his idiotic cuts like the Vehicle Registration Tax. Yes, idiotic, because when you crunch the numbers, the savings for a small household are so tiny compared to all the outrageous cuts that are being proposed that, frankly, anyone who believes that an extra $0.16 per day in your pocket is “respect” has much bigger issues on their plate.

It’s simple: $60 saved on the VRT comes out to $0.16 per day, or $1.12 a week. Oooooh — big money! Now, with an increase in TTC fare hikes, assuming one person in the household takes transit only a couple of times a week (-$0.20), you’re now only saving $0.13 per day. Add to that an additional $5 (on average), for a Toronto Hydro rate hike which Ford could’ve helped to offset, you’re down an additional $0.08 a day.

So, really, you have roughly $0.03 more in your pocket thanks to Rob Ford’s cuts — but only if you drive a car. In exchange, everything else is being cut. And if you’re claiming that $10.95 a year is worth it to you in light of all this austerity (let’s call it by its real name), I feel genuinely sorry for you and your situation — you must be living in the most abject poverty imaginable.

But it doesn’t end there.

It was revealed today that the cost of Ford’s anti-bicycle campaign, which resulted in the ripping up of the Jarvis Street bike lane, cost around $272,000 which for some bizarre reason is more than twice as much as it did to put in under David Miller. So much for “efficiencies”. Oh, and in case you were wondering, had Ford not put his hatred of bikes into practice, it would’ve saved each and every Toronto taxpayer about $0.05 — or just shy of half of the stupendous VRT money that only drivers pocket (I’m assuming a population of 5 million for this calculation). Add to this the cost of the KPMG report at $3 million dollars and everyone could’ve had an additional $0.06.

Put all this together and it’s plain as day that Ford is costing taxpayers money, not saving it:

Saving for drivers: $0.03
Cost to everyone: $0.11
Average gain per taxpayer: -$0.08

And, of course, this doesn’t take into account the fact that services are on the chopping block which, if they’re necessary for some residents, could add a much larger chunk to expenditures. And for the home owners out there who think Ford’s other stroke of brilliance, removing the Land Transfer Tax, think they’re going to see more money every year, are sadly mistaken as well. At an estimated $300 million per year, and assuming that only half of Toronto residents are home owners, it averages out to about $0.32 of extra cash in the pocket of each household, or $0.17 per taxpayer. Except that’s a full elimination of the tax which Ford said he wouldn’t do. Instead, he’s pledging to reduce this by about 25% per year, which makes the real number close to $0.04 per taxpayer.

The revised numbers, sadly, are still in the red:

Average gain per taxpayer: -$0.08
LRT saving: $0.04
Average gain per taxpayer: -$0.04

Even under ideal conditions — no VRT, no LRT, etc. — taxpayers will be forking over an additional $0.04 this year, not saving it. And keep in mind this only applies if you drive a car or own a home — for everyone else it’ll be worse. So when Rob Ford then pronounces that we need to cut services in order to make up the shortfall that he created, that’s not “respect for the taxpayer”, that’s a slap to the face of every hard-working citizen of the city.

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According to Ford, we can’t depend on one-time surpluses to balance the books, even though that’s exactly what he did with the money left over after Miller left office.

According to Ford, there’s way too much “gravy” at City Hall, even though after a full year of wandering around with a ladle and a forlorn expression, none has been found.

According to Ford Ford, unlike every other mayor we’ve had he just just can’t seem to find any additional funding sources (fuck events like Pride).

If you’re a Ford supporter and you can look at these four statements and claim that any of this isn’t absolute and complete bullshit, that this scumbag isn’t ripping up our city solely because he can, that he has a brain cell to share between him and his brother, that he didn’t produce one broken election promise after another, that Ford is a nice and courteous guy who’s focus is to build and support the city of Toronto, that Ford is being accountable and open like he vehemently swore he would, that most of Ford’s promises don’t sound like they were slapped together by a mildly retarded 6-year-old child (promise to cut Council in half by having Councillors vote to fire themselves, for example), well, you need serious psychiatric help, my friend.

If you live with your eyes open and even half a brain in your head then it’s time to throw some major opposition under the fat man’s train. I admit, I’ve been patient and sometimes even defensive of Ford, sometimes to the chagrin of my girl who rails against Ford on a daily basis, but with the austerity-loving politicians (criminals) forking over all taxpayers’ money to mega-banks because “we’re in debt!”, it’s clear that unless people start taking some major action globally (including here in this city), we will be raped blind by the crony capitalists and left with a shambles.

At this point, “respect for taxpayers” means tossing Ford’s sorry ass on the street and maybe re-invigorating some of those charges that the cops outright refuse to follow up on –dangerous driving, beating his wife, repeated abuse of 911 dispatch, etc. It’d be a start, at least.

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Reflected in the puddle from Nathan Phillips Square
Toronto, Ontario, Canada

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No media conference, no media event or news release by The City of Toronto and/or any agency, board or commission of the City, and/or any staff, hired consultant or elected official of the City of Toronto shall exclude by name any individual journalist or news organization.

The twiterrer in question alludes to this “ban” referring to the Toronto Star which has been quite critical of Mayor Rob Ford — as have many people and organizations. And Robbie doesn’t hide his disdain for the paper so this is certainly believable.

Here’s what I find extremely troubling; freedom of press and freedom of expression are ensconced in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms [section 2 (6)]. For Councillor Vaughan to have to pass a motion to guarantee this freedom at City Hall suggests a very troubling trend of silencing dissent, criticism, and opinions that are not directly shared by Ford and his cronies.

If this motion does indeed turn out to be a response to Ford’s attempt to exclude the Star from reporting on City Hall, his claim that the paper is “openly working against the democractic process” would be beyond hypocritical. Criminal, even. And again, this isn’t unimaginable — Ford has been accused of backroom dealings in things like the Port Lands redevelopment project; even some of his hand-picked Executive Committee are distancing themselves because of the public outcry.

The vote on this motion is supposed to take place next week on September 21 and 22. I’m sure many Torontonians would love to hear the details of why Vaughan thought it was necessary to make the motion. It may turn out to be a simple case of political grandstanding so passing judgement is definitely premature. However, I wouldn’t put it past Robbie to be trying to silence his critics, and if this is the case then we’ve got a serious problem at City Hall.

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Thank you for your email.

As I promised during the mayoralty election, I am dedicated to delivering customer service excellence, creating a transparent and accountable government, reducing the size and cost of government and building a transportation city.

I will continue to work on behalf of the taxpayers to make sure you get the respect you deserve.

This note is to confirm that we have received your email and that we are looking into your matter.

Please feel free to follow up to check the status of your email.

Thanks again and have a great day.

Yours truly,
Mayor Rob Ford
City of Toronto

Brimming with commitment! Contextually insightful! Not an automated response at all!

But if you doubt these statements, perhaps enough people signing on to the petition might do the trick:

https://www.change.org/petitions/mr-harper-ndp-leader-jack-layton-deserves-a-national-day-of-mourning

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Well, if you they thought that was explosive, wait’ll they get a load of Parkergate!

That’s right … Parkergate; just like Wienergate but this time involving a local Toronto politician, John Parker. Well, just like Wienergate, except there was no (visibly) erect penis involved, just the tweet that Parker was surrounded by “hot chicks” while attending a recent plaque unveiling ceremony. Here’s the disgustingly full transcript (you might want to have your kids to leave the room now):

Delighted and honoured to help unveil eight new Toronto heritage plaques and meet hot chicks in the bargain. I love my job.

Can you believe that shit? “Hot chicks”?! What the fuckety fuck?!

The outrage was immediate and palpable. Here’s just a small sampling of the ensuing backlash:

The tweet was erased despite his initial refusal to apologize. Parker, known for his light-hearted tweets, blamed the media for making city hall a place where fun won’t be tolerated.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/06/21/john-parker-hot-chicks-tweet548.html

The insolence!

Although the event went off without a hitch, the councillor made waves later in the day when he expressed his view of the overall event on the popular social networking tool Twitter.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/06/20/toronto-politician-tweets.html

The gall!

Pulled out of a meeting at his City Hall office, Parker said the focus should be on the eight plaques unveiled Monday to honour Torontonians, not something he posted on Twitter.

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/06/20/councillor-tweets-about–hot-chicks

Bastard!

Heritage Toronto communications director Rebecca Carson said, with a laugh, that she believed she was one of the “hot chicks” in question. She said Heritage executive director Karen Carter might have been another.

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1011996–heritage-employee-surprised-by-councillor-s-hot-chicks-tweet

Sickening!

Parker (Ward 26, Don Valley West) said the constituents who have contacted him about the flap have been supportive.

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1012552–parker-apologizes-for-offending-with-hot-chicks-tweet

Go back to Nazi Germany!

The Don Valley West councillor noted the number of people following his Twitter account has gone up in the wake of the story.

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/06/21/councillor-apologizes-for-hot-chicks-tweet

Scum-sucking troglodyte!

When does a Tweet cross the line? When it involves “hot chicks” and a city councillor.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/rob-ford-asks-parker-to-apologize-for-tweet/article2068241/

Arrrrrggggh!!!!! *running out of the room screaming*

Well, thankfully our mayor stood up and took offense right away, calling on Parker to apologize. I couldn’t actually find anyone else that was publicly offended but that’s probably because of the extreme trauma that’s been inflicted on them. I also couldn’t find a reference to who the “hot chicks” were, but obviously…

…ahhh, I can’t do this anymore. It’s soooooooo stupid! The reason I couldn’t find the offended parties is because, for all intents and purposes, they don’t exist. The various women interviewed for articles expressed, at most, surprise, but not much else. Seriously, even if they took offense, who among them would step forward to positively identify themselves as the “hot chicks” in that tweet? Only Rob Ford, it seems. And since he wasn’t there, I can only assume he took exception to not being included in that group. Well, sorry, Rob … maybe if you manicured your bikini line now and again.

John sums this up best: “I think I’ll be aware of the hazards of slow news days.”

Yup.

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Toronto’s New City Hall at Nathan Phillips Square, downtown Toronto, Ontario

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Toronto’s New City Hall at Nathan Phillips Square, downtown Toronto, Ontario

Become a fan of the cool Froz’n Motion Facebook page at FACEBOOK or visit www.froznmotion.com

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Toronto, Ontario
2009

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Another shot from my “Great Fog Storm of November 2010″ Series.
Nathan Phillips Square under construction.
Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

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Maybe an appearance by Don Cherry can help! Maybe.

As a courtesy to our non-Canadian friends (I’m pretty sure he’s on the citizenship test now), this is Don Cherry, CBC’s Hockey Night in Canada announcer, national loudmouth, and judging by his fashion choices, either a highly repressed gay man or a clown school dropout.

Rob Ford, who took office as Toronto’s new mayor this week, chose Cherry to be the one to present him with the chain of office, along with a few choice words for the audience.

Cherry handled it with his usual grace and charm:

I’m wearing pinko for all the pinkos out there that ride bicycles and everything, I thought I’d get it in…I’m being ripped to shreds by the left-wing pinko newspapers out there — it’s unbelievable. One guy called me a jerk in a pink suit so I thought I’d wear that for him too today. This is what you’ll be facing, Rob, with these left-wing pinkos — they scrape the bottom of the barrel …. [Ford is] going to be the greatest mayor this city has ever seen. As far as I’m concerned you can put that in your pipe you left-wing kooks.

To be fair, this is not atypical Cherry. In fact, I’d go do far as to suggest that it would’ve been odd if he hadn’t made these remarks.

I find it interesting that someone had the forethought to call Cherry a “jerk in a pink suit” prior to the day of the inauguration. Maybe Don’s appearance has become so predictable as to be allow for such pre-emptive statements. Or maybe the commentator was psychic. Or maybe Cherry’s just going senile.

To be honest, though, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about Cherry. If he wants to enjoy his super-starched autoerotic asphyxiation and attention-whore colour schemes, great. What bothers me is that he was brought in at the new mayor’s behest, demonstrating that Ford is just not capable of being the mayor of a large, diverse, and complex city.

Of course, this is nothing new. Voters had plenty of demonstrations of Ford’s uncanny ability to put people off. A few other gems from years past include:

On homeless shelters: “This is an insult to my constituents to even think about having a shelter in my ward!”

On the transgendered: “I don’t understand. Number one, I don’t understand a transgender, I don’t understand, is it a guy dressed up like a girl or a girl dressed up like a guy? And we’re funding this for, I don’t know, what does it say here? We’re giving them $3,210?”

On government housing: “People do not want government housing built in the city of Toronto. They want roads fixed, more police presence, but they don’t want more government housing that will depreciate the value of their property.”

On bike lanes: “I can’t support bike lanes. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks. My heart bleeds when someone gets killed, but it’s their own fault at the end of the day.”

On homosexuality and AIDS: “If you’re not doing needles and you’re not gay, you won’t get AIDS, probably.”

On multiculturalism: “Go to the Orient, go to Hong Kong. You want to see workaholics? Those Oriental people work like dogs… they sleep beside their machines. The Oriental people, they’re slowly taking over… they’re hard, hard workers.” (on multi

On G20 protests: “I think the police were too nice. I would have had a zero tolerance approach.”

On police overtime audits: “It just makes me sick when you left-wing nut jobs like Howard Moscoe are down here trying to bash the police non-stop.”

To a couple of visitors during a hockey game: “Who the fuck do you think you are? Are you a fucking teacher? … Do you want your little wife to go over to Iran and get raped and shot?” (An intoxicated Ford was later ejected by security)

Not that I’m apologizing for him but, to a certain extent, making off-kilter remarks during live speeches is somewhat understandable. At the same time, though, they belie the attitudes of the man, his inability to measure his own words, and an acute narrowness of vision.

This narrow, sometimes nepotistic, and often rude and divisive ideology is present in most of the new mayor’s policies.

Among these is the laughable promise to cut the number of city councillors by half. This means that half of Toronto Council would have to vote themselves out of a job. Great idea, I’m sure it’ll go over really well.

Another bright idea coming from the Ford camp is the total elimination of graffiti in the city. And, of course, world peace will follow shortly thereafter.

And in a brilliant attempt to cut the waste at City Hall — Rob’s hallmark campaign promise — he’s tossing $150 million into the trash because he wants subways rather than Transit City’s partially built above-ground trains. Sure, light-rail could’ve served a much wider area at less cost, but at least Ford’s eliminating the Personal Vehicle Registration Tax to make Toronto’s roads more car-friendly (among other measures designed to put more gas-burners on the road).

Because that’s exactly what we need – more cars on city streets. And I’m saying this because I’m a pinko urbanite with an axe to grind. Obviously. As is anyone who is critical of Ford.

I might be backed by statistics, our highways might already be (literally) the busiest in the world, and it might even be plainly obvious that, despite any personal feelings on the subject, the streets can’t physically accommodate much more traffic, but why would we want to reflect on any of these things when we can just shoot our mouths off and make half-assed, undeliverable promises?

At the end of the day, I still maintain that Rob probably isn’t a bad guy. I imagine he’d be loads of fun on a Friday night accompanied by a few of pints. A number of his policies, though still too narrow and small, are nonetheless unlikely to find any opposition other than maybe Council. Good but ineffectual policy, in other words. And I respect the fact that he speaks his mind openly, even if I don’t respect what he has to say.

I also don’t consider myself part of the shrill naysayers who are equating Ford’s mayoralty to the end of the world, nor am I a police-hating, car-bashing, left-leaning pinko commie — I’m way more critical of cyclists and thought that the cops could’ve cracked more heads during the G20 protests.

I do, however, have beliefs on what makes a good mayor, and chief among these is stopping to think once in a while, not opening your mouth about every brilliant idea that pops into your head, and trying to do things to unite the city (and your own council!), not  divide and insult people at every opportunity.

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Well, almost. Kinda. Not really. But still neat.

The Open Data (http://www.toronto.ca/open/), project recently announced that it was putting raw data sets online so you can check the veracity of City Hall’s statistics for yourself.

From my very quick and cursory looksee, it’s chockfull of the daily drudgery of running the city, so I don’t see it being turned into a movie anytime soon. But who knows what interesting factoids some dedicated analysis might turn up.

I should mention that this data appears to be a direct database dump, meaning it doesn’t come with any nice viewing / searching interface – it’s just raw data. There’s a brief explanation of all the possible formats here: http://www.toronto.ca/open/glossary.htm

Some of it is XML-formatted which means you can open it with anything that edits basic text (Microsoft Word, OpenOffice Writer, Windows Notepad, Mac TextEdit, etc.), as well as most modern web browsers (just drag the XML file into an open browser window). Also, you should be able to import XML data into spreadsheet software like Microsoft Excel or OpenOffice Calc which should make it easier to read.

However, despite looking complex, XML data (especially the Open Data ones), is actually pretty simple to understand in its raw state.

The Open Data site also offers alternate data sets like JSON (JavaScript Object Notation), and CSV (Comma-Separated Values) – it’s the same information that should be in the XML files, just in a denser and less human-friendly format.

I haven’t had much success with ESRI Shapefiles, a common informational map format found on the Open Data (and other sites), but I’m sure you can dig up something to view them if you’re determined.

Besides this, the site offers web services which are essentially the same data that’s available for download, but for web applications through a special URL like “http://map.toronto.ca/servlet/com.esri.wms.Esrimap?ServiceName=CityGeoSpatial”. Kinda fun for web developers, for building things like blog widgets, but not terribly useful if you’re just browsing.

Currently available for Toronto, Ottawa, Edmonton, and Vancouver.

—
Sponsored links:
manufacturing software

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Some suffered, I believe, from a simple lack of exposure, which to me translates as a lack of experience. Others put up a pretty good fight but had to concede defeat. Notables include:

Adam Giambrone – Finishing his term as head of Toronto’s Transit Commission and toppled over a sex scandal in February. I didn’t lose any sleep over it. Plus, Jammers is what, like, 18? He’s got plenty of politics ahead of him if he wants to stay in the game.

Giorgio Mammoliti – Had a bit of momentum but in July decided he’d rather try to stay on as a Toronto Councillor for his current ward. No mistaking Giorgio as being anything but 100% bona fide Ai-talian, but I guess it takes more than that these days. I don’t think he even has any mob connections.

Sarah Thompson – Strangely, not yet on the list of mayoral casualties, but Sarah gets an extra star next to her name for being the feisty (previously unknown) newcomer who demonstrated she could play with the big kids. She hung in for quite a while before throwing in the towel about a month ago and joining forces with George Smitherman. She’s a self-made businesswoman and has her own magazine — I think she’ll be fine.

Rocco Rossi - The man with the million-dollar smile is also not on the drop-out list but this was only a couple of weeks ago (the paperwork to update a government website probably takes as long). Rocco was the ringleader behind John Tory’s campaign — the one other man who might’ve broken through in this selection had he chosen to run. Unfortunately, Rocco’s beaming smile and charisma didn’t carry him through and he left quietly without endorsing anyone else.

As many people expected, the race was mostly just casual mud flinging until September or so when the media got in high-gear. Then it was one debate and town hall after another, none of which I attended. To be honest, I think the websites of the top three candidates should be enough, though trying to make out the candidates hollering over each other has its charm.

George Smitherman

When this all started I mentioned that George, “is gay and looks like a bulldog. Both, I believe, in his favour.” I still expect that he’ll probably win although I’m not convinced I’ll be ticking off his name. Some of his key promises include:

• 100-day tax, hiring, spending freeze while the city budget is re-evaluated. Sounds kinda nice but I sure hope nothing happens during those 100 days that might require hiring or spending. And, let’s face it, 100 days later, we might all be paying even more.
• Fair tenant taxes. Apparently I pay more in property taxes through my rent than a homeowner — who knew? However, the $50 / year savings isn’t making me pee myself with excitement.
• Transit. Everyone loves this issue — for a city the size of Toronto, we are pretty damn far behind when it comes to public transit. We only have 3 main subway lines and most of our subway cars / streetcars are antiques. On top of this, streetcars take up literally 50% of the roads downtown but the roads can’t be expanded — we’ve got light rail-infrastructure but not enough room. George wants to phase in updates over 10 years starting with getting transit going along the lake shore for the Pan Am Games in 2015. After that he wants to start construction on East-West lines in the north and update the Scarborough LRT (an eastern extension to the Bloor Subway line). Generally speaking, I’m not against this idea, but it seems incredibly wasteful to essentially scrap Transit City.
• Creating about 500 jobs through an Economic Ambassador program and prodding businesses to hire locally. Most of the city’s  financial troubles will be addressed through attrition (not replacing people who retire), and by combining fire and emergency services. Electricity provider Toronto Hydro would stay in public hands. Sounds long and tedious, possibly necessary.

Rob Ford

Rob has been so easy to criticize during this campaign. He’s well known for making off-colour public remarks and sticking his foot into his mouth on a regular basis. I don’t think he’s a bad guy, he’s just not very diplomatic. The beefy football coach’s campaign was managed by his brother (not dissimilar in many ways), and was unsurprisingly dotted with all manner of scandal and accusation. Still, Rob weathered the storm and he’s neck-and-neck with George; most polls agree it could easily go either way today.

Some of what Rob says he’ll do includes:

• Cut City Hall. Just generally, cut it. Rob’s “stop the gravy train” message resonates with many people who think politicians have been getting a free ride for too long. Councillors like Sandra Bussin, who think nothing of making anonymous phone calls to radio stations, Paula Fletcher who screams down opposition, or my own ward’s now-retired Kyle Rae who probably shouldn’t have thrown himself a $12,000 going-away party, have really helped to cement Rob’s line. While I like the rigour with which Rob approaches this, and cutting back City Hall is just a good idea anyway, most of the plan seems way too small to make a significant difference. Good try, Rob, but you need to think bigger!
• Make the TTC an essential service. Right now transit can be shut down by a strike, something that wouldn’t happen if it was designated to be essential. Mostly, though, Rob wants to end the “war on cars” he says is being perpetrated by the city so it’s obvious where his heart lies on this issue. Incredibly myopic and with few details. Sorry, Rob, another miss.
• Eliminate Land Transfer and Vehicle Registration Taxes. Obviously this one’s for the burbs. Good on Rob for reaching out but I’m feeling a bit left out here. No love, Rob, no love.
• Consider privatizing garbage collection. After last year’s strike, this is certainly something to consider. But I’m starting to sense a bit of a theme here…garbage strike pissed people off, traffic pisses people off, City Hall spending pisses people off, etc. While I’d be happy to see these things addressed, this is definitely reactionary politics; I don’t see a long-term plan here.

Joe Pantalone

If you didn’t know Joey Pants before, you do now. If nothing else can be said about this dimunitive Deputy Mayor, he’s the most eminently qualified — he’s almost mayor now. However, and perhaps because of his height, Joe’s had to jump up and down and wave twice as hard as anyone else just to be heard.

Even though the chances of him becoming mayor are slim at this point, you gotta give the little guy credit for hanging in there; only he and George stayed on for the full ten months. Plus, everything I’ve heard about him indicates he’s genuinely a nice guy with a good head for this sort of thing. He just falls below the radar, that’s all.

Here’s what Joe promises our fair city if he’s elected:

• Improved transit and everyone’s welcome on the roads. Of all the candidates, Joe has the most complete plans I’ve seen (and fanciest Powerpoint slides too). In this area he’s taking the sanest most middle-of-the-road approach, but puts most of his weight behind bikes (rentals, better lanes, etc.), and public transit. He’s a fan of Transit City, the big plan put in place by current Mayor Miller to expand transit both out of town and fix what we have here. If you ask me, this is the most sensible approach — Transit City is already underway and the plan extends out to all of Toronto. Tearing it down and starting something new would be a massive waste.
• Reducing poverty and homelessness. Again, Joe has solid numbers he wants to see year over year, including building of new affordable housing units, finding housing for homeless people, and so on. I have no idea if any of these numbers are realistic but I’m thinking that Joe probably had a pretty good idea by now.
• Predictable taxes and fare increases. No promises of tax reductions here, just that tax and fare increases should be transparent and predictable. Joe wants Community Councils to run their own budgets while pushing some provincial service costs to the province. Currently, they say how stuff gets run but we in the city pay for it. How the hell did that happen?!
• Sustainable / environment initiatives. Pantalone’s got a green thumb, it seems. He’s one of the few candidates mentioning this topic and is demonstrating that he’s both a tie-dyed hippie and a bleeding heart. Besides investing in so-called green programs, Pantalone also want the city to get more involved in food production, increase support services for women, children, and families, and he’s got a whole section on helping out the elderly.
• Support diversity and youth, and tackle bed bugs. Generic, general, and really? Joe’s not the only candidate to mention bed bugs but news on this has been fairly sparse lately — and you know media love bed bug stories. Well, here’s the deal, I don’t have bed bugs and I didn’t see any mention of rent reductions so that about does it for me.

I don’t believe in the throw-away, lesser-of-evils, vote-by-fear approach. Anyone who trudges out that old pony should quickly be reminded that a minority win is just as significant on the make up of City Hall. Or Parliament. Or whatever. We should vote for the best candidate even if they’re a long-shot.

In another four years we’ll be doing this again so that little bit of support could make the difference next time around. And it’s note-worthy to point out that City Hall isn’t just the mayor, there are 44 Councillors representing the various wards of this sprawling metropolis, and they all get a vote just like the Mayor. Plus, the Council vote is just as crucial; it’s traditionally been the Councillors that have been the biggest dicks at City Hall.

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Weaving between teenagers hardly capable of holding their drink let alone appreciating art of any kind, and the puddles of vomit they leave about the place, to me, kinda cheapens the experience. Not unlike using the English translation of Nuit Blanche.

So that’s the one thing about Nuit that this year stood out loud and sore for me.

Beyond that, I was sure the crowds would dissipate post midnight. Last year I headed out at around one o’clock, this year I was there sometime after two in the morning, but with considerably more people. I suppose that’s inevitable; the event now draws in excess of a million people and I’m sure there’ll be more next year. Clearly single-digit temperatures and the threat of rain means nothing to the swarthy outdoors art crowd.

Okay, criticisms dispensed with. Let’s get to the meat and potatoes, shall we?

So, once again I found myself unable to make it to the elusive Zone C. Since I live on the eastern edge of Zone A I necessarily have to traverse it to get to the other side. It’s about an hour of distractions, crowds, and everything and anything designed to ensure that you never make it through.

For starters, there’s always something going on at Nathan Phillips Square. This year the area in front of City Hall hosted a sprawling performance by Daniel Lanois entitled “Later That Night At The Drive-In”.

That angled mirrored roof I assumed was still to be installed was actually intended to sit at an angle in order to allow the audience a view at the group of musicians beneath, churning out eerie Pink-Floyd-like riffs to accompany cut-up bits of classic cinema projected onto conical cloth towers, sections of the sidewalk, parts of City Hall, even the pond / soon-to-be skating rink.

I stuck around for a remix of Hitchcock’s Vertigo but once the electric guitars started to get shrill, I got gone.

The one installation I really wanted to see was Max Streicher’s “Endgame (Coulrophobia)”. The giant inflated, super-creepy clown heads, wedged between a couple of Yonge Street buildings were, frankly, everything I’d hoped for.

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns, communicated with amazing precision. The head at the bottom looked especially savage.

Not far away was Michael Fernandes’ antithetically friendly “Arrivals/Departures” where visitors were encouraged to scoop up a piece of chalk and, on a very large blackboard, record where they came from / were going.

I wrote, “veni, vidi, vici” which got a chuckle from Nuit volunteers – “is that a band from the eighties?” they quizzed. “You bet your Ides of March!” I assured them.

I didn’t really feel like lobbing a third reference over their heads so I left to see the exhibit across the street. Besides the giant clown heads, this was definitely one of the coolest bits of art I saw.

The piece, “Big O” by Zilvinas Kalpinas, had intelligence in the design if nothing else.

It consisted of two rows of fans that faced each other and between them, caught on the undulating air currents, was a big loop of magnetic tape that I’m fairly certain came from an old VHS cassette. The whole thing, from the choice of materials to the intrinsic understanding of thermodynamics, left me with the  impression that there was a deep commentary in there — about the changing boundaries of technology, the maleable nature of the world around us, maybe a bit of both, or more, or less. Simple but effective.

While other works weren’t quite as elegant, many of the installations demonstrated a terrific sense of humour. Unfortunately I can’t find the name of the piece or the artist (this was in a section showcasing last year’s favourites), but the statue of E.T. holding his famous, glowing life-giving finger over the lifeless body of Yoda and surrounded by religious symbolism — pretty fucking hilarious.

Funny thing about Nuit Blanche is that half the time you’re not sure if you’re looking at a piece of art or something that’s always been on the street and you just never noticed before. Some people suggest that that’s the point of the exercise.

Take this “piece”, for example:

Fog and bright lights; people weren’t sure what to make of it but everyone who stood before it walked away with altered perceptions. Literally. The most common comment was, “Holy shit that’s bright! I can’t see a damn thing!”

I ended the morning with a double-header, Martin Arnold and Micah Lexier’s piece named “Erik Satie’s Vexations”. The performance consisted of two pianos simultaneously playing a single sheet of music, over and over and over again; 840 over-agains, in fact. The thing was originally supposed to be played by just one pianist but the twelve-hour constraint for Nuit required the piece to be performed in tandem, in essence playing at double the rate.

The composition wasn’t long, maybe a minute of music, at which point assistants would replace the completed sheet of music with a new one. They would then take the sheet to the other side of the building where it would be folded into a paper “sculpture” by two more “performers”.

Twelve straight hours of playing, folding, and back-and-forth ferrying. “Vexations” — seems like an accurate name, doesn’t it?

Of course I’m just scratching the surface here. Out of about 130 exhibits I saw 10 — if I was lucky. Anything more than that would’ve required planning and preparation – on weekends I try not to burden myself with such things. Besides, art is meant to be enjoyed organically and with a sense or surprise. Wandering around is, in other words, the best way to do it. And a damn fine excuse for not making it to Zone C too!

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For whatever reasons (I’m guessing economic), people just picked up and left their residences, sometimes leaving everything behind. I mean, most of the time the houses were empty and dilapidated; still fun if you’re into testing your skills in dangerous environments (the mines were especially enjoyable), but other than photos, not much to walk away with. But there were prized finds too, locations with dusty books, old photos, antiques, coins – I have more than a few items in my collection from those times.

The way I looked at it was like this: if I didn’t save those items, they’d now be destroyed by the elements, mildew, or asshole-initiated fires. And because these structures were located on the edges of the burbs, they were more often than not slated for demolition anyway, so whatever was inside would’ve ended up in landfill (at best). Even designated historical properties were often left to complete ruin while new subdivisions sprung up around them – sometimes coming within a foot of the old structures, and sometimes even damaging them. In a very real way I considered my incursions a way to preserve history.

The same philosophy is behind the movement known as Urban Exploration, or UrbEx, which got its start in Toronto (at least in terms of being organized and public). As the name implies, exploration of this kind is usually reserved for urban environments like abandoned or boarded up buildings, unused subway stations, old factories, and even sewers. If it’s off-limits to the public, it’s fair game for UrbEx.

Technically, anyone involved in UrbEx is breaking the law – it’s still trespassing. Plus, some locations are incredibly dangerous (crumbling walls/floors, exposed electrical wiring, asbestos, etc.), so the pastime doesn’t always attract people with the best intentions or the most brain cells. But there do exist organizations and individuals who think the same way I do, who took the pains to explore properly, and it’s thanks to their efforts that we now have Doors Open Toronto.

This year, 150 buildings opened their doors to the public during the weekend event, giving almost unlimited access for people to explore typically off-limits areas.

Many of the locations featured during Doors Open aren’t exactly abandoned, but they’re usually not open to the public either, so they’re attractive UrbExers willing to go that extra mile; places like the roof of City Hall’s east tower where the view is considerably better than you’d get from Nathan Phillips Square below:

The other side of the roof has no glass, only bars to prevent people from getting too adventurous, so the view is even better:

If you plan to visit next year be sure to bring a zoom lens if you have one. There are lots of fun details to capture around the city from above:

Visitors can also have a gander inside City Hall’s saucer where council sits. The floor is reserved for councillors, the blue amphitheater seating is for the public, and the upper section for the press where they’re provided with various connections so they can feed proceedings back to HQ:

I didn’t attend last year’s Doors Open so I’m no sure how unusual this is, but this year a number of places took the opportunity to open their doors to the public permanently. For example, City Hall podium, the flat area at the base of the towers and the saucer, has been closed for the last decade because, apparently, it was in need of repair. Not sure why it took 10 years to fix, or why I regularly saw City Hall staffers up there sipping coffee, but at least it’s once again permanently open to the public.

Along with shaded seating, the city put in a variety of gardens containing, what I must only assume, are plants fitting for a Toronto rooftop:

Okay, I admit, I spent an inordinate amount of time at City Hall, but it’s been closed off for so long that I kinda felt like I had to make up for lost time.

I tried to get into Commerce Court North to see its fabled ceiling mosaics but it was closed off to the public. Ahem – did they not get the memo? Makes me wonder how many other places were also closed, and why in the world they were included in the list of places to see.

However, other buildings that had been boarded up for years took the opportunity to really open their doors and welcome visitors. The John Street Roundhouse is one of them:

The place used to be a terminus point for the nearby railway. Engines would be serviced there and would be put on other tracks using the giant turntable in the middle of the aptly named Roundhouse:

It’s now a museum with a number of permanent outdoor exhibits (old engines, train cars, etc.), and they even went to the trouble of transplanting some Toronto train station houses of yesteryear to the spot.

Most of the stuff you can climb on and, in the summer, they run a miniature train through the grounds (above) and have other interactive activities for kids to play on. It doesn’t hurt that the appropriately-named Steam Whistle Brewery, replete with places to sit and enjoy a cold one, occupies one end of the Roundhouse. And although I’m less than enthused about Leon’s (furniture store) appropriation of the other half of the Roundhouse, I can understand why they’d move in there. Not sure how much business they’ll get from tourists – it is a tourist area, right beside the dome and the tower — I can’t imagine people lugging sofas back with them across the border. But I guess that’ll be Leon’s problem.

Doors Open or not, I’m sure Urban Exploration will continue. Some areas like the Lower Queen and Osgoode subway stations are not in good enough shape for the public to enter, and I’m certain that’ll always be the case at one location for another. But each year the list of accessible locations broadens, and with previously locked-off places like the famed Bay Street subway station now on regular location, I’m thinking it’s just a matter of time.

—

Sponsored links:

metal roof

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I think it’ll be fun to leave the poll open until the fall election when all of these faces may change. Perhaps we can correlate the sexiness factor with incumbency.

In the meantime, pick the three sexiest guys and gals (feel free to vote as much as the system will allow), and I’ll try my best to deliver the good news to the winning two offices — one lady, one gent — when the numbers are all in. “Hottest Toronto Councillor 2010″ — that’d look nice on a plaque.

Shelley Carroll

Suzan Hall

Paula Fletcher

Pam McConnell

Sandra Bussin

Maria Augimeri

Janet Davis

Gloria Lindsay Luby

Frances Nunziata

Karen Stintz

—

Michael Thompson

Kyle Rae

Ron Moeser

Rob Ford

Mike Feldman

Raymond Cho

Peter Milczyn

Paul Ainslie

Norm Kelly

Mike Del Grande

Michael Walker

Mark Grimes

Joe Pantalone

John Parker

John Fillion

Joe Mihevc

Howard Moscoe

Gord Perks

Glenn De Baeremaeker

Giorgio Mammoliti

Frank Di Giorgio

Doug Holyday

Denzil Minnan-Wong

David Shiner

Cliff Jenkins

Chin Lee

Cesar Palacio

Case Ootes

Brian Ashton

Bill Saundercook

Anthony Perruzza

Adam Vaughan

Adam Giambrone

A.A. (Adrian) Heaps

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This week the pre-election ritual of reviewing councillors’ salaries began in earnest. Prior to this election the issue, like the trillium, blossomed every three years but now with a four- year term this ugly plant has morphed into a weed that always bears bitter fruit. Councillors will predictably fall all over themselves to prove to the electorate how frugal they are. They will disparage the expectations of their colleagues and publicly slash their wrists in an effort to out humble each other.

Oh my gosh. :D Then at the end of this Toronto City Council motion it ends by saying that the Toronto Star’s Editorial Board bears great wisdom when it comes to giving people raises and why not use them since they’re “are always eager to give advice about this weighty subject”? Yours truly, Councillor Howard Moscoe.

Gotta thank Newstalk 1010 for this one.

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But I was one of the first few people in the office. Wow.  Different time schedule. I feel like a bit of a brownnoser right now. Totally unintended though, I swear. But still. Wow.

It’s the past that allows us to cherish moments such as these. The past, who recently requested that I fork over the difference for the “overpayment” on my final paycheque. In fact, I got paid less than usual. I expected less, but I most certainly didn’t get more. *sigh* Why can’t the past just go to hell already?

I’ll tell you why – it’s the battle scars we have to bear with us. Mementos to remind us that comparisons may indeed be made. And of course, nothing’s perfect, but one must also be sure to look around and note one’s blessings. Like not walking away with a chafed anus every day. That’s a nice feeling.

And being reminded of the past is instrumental in helping judge not only present but also future prospects. Take Adam “Jammie-Jams” Giambrone; the baby-faced newcomer to the Toronto mayoral race. I didn’t think it was possible to demonstrate that he has any less personality, but Jammers just turned that assumption on its ear. Here’s Jammie-Jam’s announcement he was going to run:

He’s well known for entering politics at a very young age. See? That’s what happens when you do it too young. You end up a humourless log. For a young guy, you think he’d be able to pull a little charm out of his ass, but it seems he’s plum out.

Poor kid. He even foreshadowed his own downfall at his own I’m-loud-and-I’m-proud event:

I like when he talks about learning lessons from the past to build the city of the future. Holy cow! Wasn’t it, like, just yesterday that another kooky decision by the TTC was uncovered? The one about the buses that have to sit idling outside because some Swedish-made system to keep them warm and ready doesn’t operate well in extremely cold temperatures. (GAH! Isn’t that exactly when it needs to work well?!) I only mention this because it could be any one of the dozens of boondoggles and genuine fuck-ups that Jammers is responsible for. He does, after all, run the TTC.

Wow, I mean, if by some miracle Jammie should get elected, that would necessitate me having to redraw my plans for the future. To something more apocalypsy. I’m sure it won’t happen, but let’s just make sure by not forgetting yesterday’s decimated fields of dreams. Trampled on by Jam-master Giambronay. And when I say yesterday, I mean literally yesterday.

Damn, my anus hasn’t even begun to heal yet. Have they no shame?!

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And it’s just what I always wanted too — a brand-spanking new election year! (even the exact colour)

Now, truth be told, I’m a total n00b (a word requiring not one but two zeroes to denote the level of experience), when it comes to municipal politics. I learn a little bit every now and then when a scandal breaks out, but other than that I only know that good old Davie Miller is our mayor until the last week of October. And that candidates are now free to register after which they can start fundraising.

But despite my overall lack of knowledge, this is a great opportunity to dive in headfirst and learn. And pray for muck flinging, name calling, and other assorted hijinx. I sincerely hope that municipal politicking is as kooky as I imagine it is. And in the meantime, I get ten months of increasingly busy campaigning to revert to when my brain goes all mushy for topics. It’s the gift that keeps on giving — even though that’s technically incorrect since people give gifts (could you imagine the horror of gifts giving people?). But it’s the thought that counts. :)

Also, dear reader, you now know as much as I do. Oh, wait, maybe a few more things:

Giorgio Mammoliti (confirmed)
– http://www.facebook.com/people/Giorgio-Mammoliti/532699017
– http://twitter.com/giorgio_4_mayor

Adam “Jammy Jams” Giambrone (potential)
– http://www.adamgiambrone.ca/
– http://twitter.com/Adam_Giambrone

George Smitherman (expected)
– http://www.georgesmitherman.com/
– http://twitter.com/Smitherman2010

John Tory (potential)
– http://www.johntory.ca/
– http://twitter.com/John_Tory

Joe Pantalone (expected)
– http://www.joepantalone.org/
– twitless

Rocco Rossi (confirmed)
– http://www.facebook.com/roccorossi
– http://twitter.com/liberalrocco

Shelley Carroll (potential)
– http://shelleycarroll.ca/
– http://twitter.com/shelleycarroll

That’s the current roster. The “expected” candidates have either quit their day job or stated publicly that they’ll be registering – both pretty strong indicators of intent.

I don’t know much about any of these people. I do know that George Smitherman is gay and looks like a bulldog. Both, I believe, in his favour. I also know that, judging by the state of his website, John Tory is either not planning to run or is keeping his candidacy a big and unnecessary secret (and making some affiliate income to boot):

I also know that Adam Giambrone (pronounced like “jam bony”), is a couple of years my junior and is barely holding the Toronto Transit Commission together as its boss. I shudder to think of him at the city’s helm (no way is he getting the Clearasil budget past council, mark my words).

Giorgio Mammoliti looks like an Italian gangster, so he’s pretty cool. Joe Pantalone has a website that reminds me of Toronto City Life during its first few months, so yuck. Also, he’s really wee. Two strikes; he’d better be a good orator. Rocco Rossi, nice wine, but how are the mayor skills? Shelley Carroll has a pretty slick website with some nice Adobe Flash work – it always makes me a bit suspicious when someone can afford to pay the ridiculous sums that Flash developers extort out of their customers. Come to think of it, “Baby Face” Giambrone has some Flash on his site too. Hmmm.

Okay, so now you know exactly what I know; we’ll both be learning as we go along. The contestants (it’s more fun to think of them this way), are allowed to raise $1.5 million to grease constituents’ palms. Then it’ll be a brutal, bare-knuckle free-for-all; winner gets City Hall and medical attention.

And I get material that writes itself. :D

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I then typically follow up by popping open a browser (this is usually at work), hitting TCL, and showing them last year’s thing. “Wow, you’d never catch me out there freezing my ass off”, is typically the next statement. “Well, you keep warm by virtue of shared body heat. That’s what makes the evening so magical; improper touching”, I try to sell it. But that’s usually not enough. After revelations that there’s no booze and that the place is swarming with kids, the conversation just peters off into other subjects, “So … Toronto City Life … what is that, a government website?” “Yup.” “Not very interesting.” “Yeah.” ”Have lunch yet?” “Nope.”

People are too jaded. Perhaps because they’re hungry. The Cavalcade of Lights, with this year’s record lack of snow, didn’t really classify as a winter event, so all that hoopla about buttocks falling of in the cold were for naught. The kids were there, but you couldn’t hear them over the din of the show and any ones caught underfoot were pretty much fair game so that problem wasn’t overly daunting. I managed to get up to the front of the crowd with barely any resistance:

The alcohol prohibition thing is also a bit of a moot point. I was not once searched even though I carried a bag big enough to conceal a small keg. A mickey stolen away in a coat pocket would most certainly have gone unnoticed, or you could do as any self-respecting adult would and simply go already lubricated. Essentially, sobriety is for children, the infirm, and stupid people.

But I don’t want to get hung up on methods of smuggling drinks in because with the kind of cover you get in both the scenery and the crowd, you can pretty much set up a temporary shelter where you and your junkie friends can shoot up in complete privacy. Drinking? Please, the cops have bigger things to worry about. Like heroin addicts. Or those guys that sell all that light-up crap that the kids use once before it explodes toxically in the car on the way home. Domestic-quality Chinese products are always hit-and-miss:

The best way to avoid these shuckers of mens’ wallets is to simply avoid them. Look for the guys with the craziest head gear — dead giveaway — and beeline it in the other direction. If you have children with you, a) Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hehe! Hahaha! *wipe tear* Oh man. Why would you do something like that? and b) Avert their gaze from crazy hat guy. If nothing else, at least save yourself some cash.

I managed to avoid most of the vendors by pushing my through the thickest part of the crowd, mostly elderly and children — easy!

I don’t know what it is with Citytv but every year they choose the dorkiest personalities they have to introduce the acts. Seriously, the weather guy?

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against Michael Kuss; nothing for him either. He is adequate in his role to deliver the weather report in a timely manner. That is all.

For something exceptional, we need only look beyond Michael’s adequate head to see City Hall looming expectantly, waiting to be lit up like some kind of incendiary device:

To me, this is the real reason to go; a grand fireworks display that goes off way too close to City Hall. I know that immaculate planning goes into this thing, but who can predict that one unexpected gust of wind, or that one errant firework that’s just a little too far off course? Now you’ve got the holiday display of the season!

There were no showers of jagged glass or flaming audience members so, sadly, the errant firework didn’t happen this year. But the explosions packed a good wallop and this scared the kids, so it was satisfactory. Also, the Christmas tree at City Hall was unveiled during the show and this is more the official tree of Toronto I was thinking of. It’s a massive beast of a white spruce, about 18 meters (60 feet) tall and laden with an indecent amount of decoration. Hard to miss. Unfortunately, it makes for a difficult photo but while I work at it you can get a sense of the tree in the background here:

Even though the celebration’s over, the skating rink remains open until spring so there’s plenty of opportunity to watch people hurt themselves. Say what you will about City Hall, it can occasionally be very entertaining. Even in the cold.

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Office of Toronto City Councillor McConnell
Attn: Councillor McConnell

Hey, Pam-pam! What’s shakin’, baby? Seems like it’s been ages since we chatted, huh? Come to think of it, I don’t think we ever chatted. We’ve never met, as a matter of fact. But with this new scrutiny about the plane trip you took this summer, I wanted to reach out and let you know you have supporters out there. At least one. Here.

In returning from Florida to put in your vote on this summer’s garbage strike, you helped to break the impasse put in place by the very people now pointing their fingers your way. I’m not sure that $1,100 was the cheapest flight you could’ve found, but compared to the waste and mismanagement proffered by the rest of Toronto Council, this is a pittance. If I contributed to your flight from my own exorbitant taxes, I want you to know that I’m not sore about it. Probably cost me, like, a hundredth of a penny. You’re welcome.

Besides, if you were required return to Toronto to do your job during that special emergency vote, it would have been negligent if you didn’t try to get back quickly. I wouldn’t take any flak from anyone over this if I were you. Show ‘em a letter from your satisfied constituent if they think you’re pulling a fast one on them.

Basically, Pammers, don’t let them get you down. You’re doing your job, and you’re doing it well; the other councillors are just jealous. One day they’ll be in jail for whatever illicit underage sexual relationships they’re engaged in (aren’t they screwing the innocent?), and you and I will laugh about it over a couple of cold ones.

Stalwartly yours,
Patrick

To the cyclists of Toronto,

Okay, I admit it, I feel for you. A bit.

When cops start blocking bike lanes to stop off for lunch, that’s a little much. I think everyone’s in agreement that this is just not right. If it’s a fine for the officer, so be it. If there’s an additional reprimand, I don’t think it would be out of place. After all, if the police are going to be enforcing something, they should be following it, otherwise John Q. Lawman won’t be getting much respect around here.

Your beef with many car drivers is a perfectly valid one and this is a fine example. The problem I’m seeing is that there’s a whole lotta antagonism between both sides and no one is making any progress. I see you screaming at cars, many of whom have just made innocent mistakes, sometimes just to vent, sometimes for very good reason indeed. I see them shaking their fists back, neck veins so strained that a pinprick would just instantly fill the inside of the car with red. Woh-oh-oh-hoaw there! Just hang on a second, therre, Nelly. Is it getting hot out here? Let’s just take a deep breath.

I’ve been on both sides of that glass. There are most certainly jerk-hole drivers, and without a doubt jerk-hole cyclists. Jerk-hole pedestrians too. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I’m not going to depend on anyone out there, especially not the jerk-holes, to prevent my death. Besides, there’s plenty of opportunity for death at the hands of other types of drivers: tired, distracted, drunk, high, having a cardiac arrest, having a stroke, having a mechanical failure, etc.

So, you can point at the motorists all you want, but the onus is on you to take responsibility for your own actions first. It’s tempting to just say fuck it when your life is threatened so often, but I urge you to stick it out. Obey the rules of the road to the best of your ability. At the same time, you should expect no less from your fellow travellers. And now you also have a much stronger moral position from which to cuss people off. You can flip them a most righteous bird.

Or you also try talking to people. If they’re parked in the bike lane, why not give them the benefit of the doubt? Maybe they really don’t know what the lane is for. You’ve got tourists and other out-of-towners driving around and the signage around the city’s already pretty crazy. I drove downtown for years and still managed to do lots of inadvertently illegal stuff; rarely did I try to murder cyclists. The two aren’t related.

If I could leave you with one thing it would be this: imagine the surprised driver who, after dangerously cutting you off, finds himself having a friendly and relaxed conversation with you (instead of the usual scream) who explains why that maneuver back there really wasn’t such a good idea. Now you’re not just another jerk-hole cyclist, you’re a human being who’s just trying to get through the day. Just like the driver. Queue rapport! And … action!

Shift that paradigm, as we used to say in the nineties. Oh, and Pam McConnell’s on your side; let that lofty perspective keep you afloat.

I’m still convinced that the cyclist who died hanging off the side of Michael Bryant’s car was being a jerk, but he was just one individual with a mess of personal problems. If he’s going to be the poster boy for something, let it be the end of an era.

Pedestrianly yours,
Patrick

To the former From the desk of Patrick,

Awww crap. Sorry, pal. I thought I was using a copy, I swear, if I knew I was changing the original, I never would’ve done it!

I didn’t have the heart to try to re-write you. Also, I don’t have an idea what you were about. Something regarding sweaters? *sigh*

You’re up in post heaven now with all the other posts that get deleted by naive blog owners (when will they learn?!)

I hope you had a good life here, brief as it was. Your candle blew out long before your legend ever did. Sir Elton John.

Regretfully,
Patrick

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It’s so nice to have the pleasure of your company for another instalment of the Guide. I do hope that life has treated you kindly and that during the odd times when it hasn’t that you’ve had some opportunities to practice being practical. And, more importantly, that that practice has brought you some satisfaction.

In this edition I’d like to pull back from street level and look at a couple of larger forms of urban insolence: government and transit. It’s certainly not necessary to go into any sort of detail; insolence comes in many forms from both sides at this level, from new taxes to higher bus fares, and these are not necessarily local or even urban issues. In fact, as I hope you’ll find, the topics covered here have broader applications.

However, for the practical gentleman this poses a profound conundrum: does one take up arms and revolt against increasingly unjust overlords at great risk to oneself and one’s family, or does one resort to enjoyable but much less effective flaming paper bags (with surprise) left on doorsteps?

Alas, neither option seems agreeable, does it? On the one hand we must choose between radical criminal action, on the other classically amusing but ultimately ineffectual pranks. What’s the practical gentleman to do?

A great deal of wisdom has been scratched onto the walls of prisons as regards these matters, but please allow me to at least get the ball rolling:

The Continental

When one can’t be direct but wishes to nonetheless improve a situation, one must think outside the box. If more money is involuntarily leaving our pocket, more must come in to replenish it. It’s a simple balancing act. Thus, the practical gentleman takes his case directly to the people, bypassing the tight-fisted upper echelons altogether.

In this approach, we simply ask passersby to donate for charity, and I must stress strongly that this is not the same as asking for hand-outs. That would be most ungentlemanly and besides, this is an investment. To convince our fellows of this, however, we are required to present our case with a little more flair. Some call this marketing.

We simply invest in a nice colour print-out of the charity we’re representing, a nice binder to put it on the cover of, and a few hundred charitable donation “receipts” to give to anyone who requests them, to go in said binder. And a pen :) The charity is of course you, only jazzed up a bit; marketed better. Try some interesting twists on your name, combine it with a slogan, borrow a nice logo, but keep it all simple. For example, “The Patrick Fund – Fighting poverty at hom e and abroad”. The name must always be entirely truthful and you should always have a full explanation at the ready. In this case, it is a fund that is in my name and to be used to fight poverty in my home, possibly also to fight that woman I don’t much care for. With minor typographical errors.

For the logo, simply take an existing one from anything around you (using a cell phone camera, for example), and cut off everything but a quarter of the image. For simpler logos, like the Nike swoosh, you may have to use a half of the photo. Or, if cutting doesn’t produce satisfactory results, simply flip the image around horizontally or vertically. The McDonald’s golden arches easily become William’s golden catch basin — for money!

But, most importantly, you must add a prominent outline of the African continent on the logo (hence, “The Continental”). This lets people know you like geography. If you don’t, maybe now’s the time you gave it another try! People aren’t going to give their money to just any old schmuck on the street. Let them know how worldly you are, what a great investment you’ll be, why they should believe. Africa, the symbol of hope.

In this way you don’t hide behind any small print and your honesty and commitment to being upfront will shine through. The donations will come pouring in! At the end of the day you can go home satisfied that your fellow human beings have helped you because of a shared sense of civility. Take that, government!

The Convenient

Did you know that local businesses often provide instant financial support to anyone who strolls in through their front doors? It’s true. In most convenience stores, for example, often placed clearly and visibly in front of the cash register is the leave-a-penny take-a-penny bowl. Most store owners don’t contribute to it so they have no say in how it’s apportioned; it’s a social support system by the people, for the people. Including you.

Penny contributions can be made when pennies are abundant in your life. When they’re scarce, you can of course take. But be sure to do so a penny at a time, thus affording someone else the opportunity to take every alternate penny if they wish. A two-second wait period is customary unless no one else is in front of the counter with you.

The only drawback of the take-a-penny system is that some stores carry larger caches than others. I suggest carrying a strong bag (the pennies will get heavy!) and visiting as many shops as you can. Remember, those pennies already belong to you so you’re not required to make idle chit-chat with the shopkeeper. If they give you any trouble, simply threaten to call police. If this is not your style, you may instead opt to dress provocatively. Ladies will have an advantage over the gentlemen here, I’m afraid. Sorry fellas, we can’t win ‘em all.

The Economic

Many economic pundits have been putting forth the idea that being environmentally conscious and being profitable don’t necessarily have to be exclusive of each other. In fact, an amazing array of novel ideas is beginning to surface during these difficult financial times, many of them designed to produce environmental benefits, and many of those turning in tidy profits for anyone willing to put in some effort. The concept of carbon credits, for example, is ingenious but it hasn’t quite caught on yet. The problem is simply a dearth of mass adoption. This means that the market is still very much wide open … for anyone willing to roll up their sleeves and work for it.

Honest rewards for honest labour.

The further upshot of this is that the practical gentleman may rest well at night knowing that he’s earning an income from a noble pursuit, its influence continuing well into the future. The only requirement is a nice smile and a number of carbon credit certificates. There is no currently accepted standard for these – be creative, but keep the initial batch inexpensive. The idea is not to lose money here :)

Now the hard part: we go door to door selling carbon credits. There’s no trick here, you just have to shake hands, sip tea, and sell the hell outta that carbon!

Eventually, you may want to to invest in some fancy paper certificates — set yourself apart from the competition. Just work the cost into the price of the credits.

You can promise clients that each carbon credit they buy will be used to directly sequester a certain amount of green (in your pocket), ‘n house gasses. Not sure exactly what those gasses would be, but probably natural (this is a good, light-hearted jest to open the conversation with – and be sure to hug the potential client).

Of course, you must guarantee each and every certificate. Should the client ever wish to redeem it, you must exchange the credit for the appropriate amount of carbon. Although it’s difficult to get pure carbon, rough carbon (mixed with impurities) may be produced simply by burning something to ashes. This is your contractual obligation so you must honour the request within a reasonable time frame.

One of the biggest arguments against buying credits in this way is that (it is claimed) they are really used to prevent the environmental effects of burning stuff. Haha! What nuthouse did that escape from? If you buy a carbon credit, you should be able to exchange it for carbon. Who’s going to pay for not getting something? When the customer understands that this certificate is worth something, then it becomes a lot more valuable. Treat each buyer like the intelligent human being they are; logic will always wins the day ;)

You’ll have to do some research into going carbon credit prices but, since you probably won’t have any immediate competition in your neighbourhood, you may just be able to set whatever price you want. Just be sure not to price yourself out of the market! :D

I hope, dear reader, these points will help you through the tough times. They were inspired by a certain form of insolence, but their application turns out to be much broader. If the challenge was to think outside the box, hopefully that has been achieved. Certainly they are merely a spot from which to cast off, but hopefully they’ll chart a course to some pleasant tropical island with nice beaches, nice people, and nice drinks with little umbrellas in them. Even Mexico might be a nice escape.

Wishing you a bon voyage!

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The event was both hoote and anny. It’s hard to know where to begin; so many strange things on the street that night.

First, there were the kids on acid who stumbled onto mindblowing, totally fucked up shit … oh man, this is too much man! it’s too much!

I made that part up. The imaginatively named “Rabbit Balloon” at the Eaton Centre only had a few tired-looking security guards around it.  The kids on acid (and E, and K, and all the other letters too), were freaking out on the edge of Grange Park behind a truck blasting out what sounded suspiciously like happy hardcore. I wasn’t partial to it back in my youth, I’m not partial to it today, whatever it’s being called now. Just a bit too spazzed out for me. I like my music a bit mellower these days.

Hmmm. Except not this mellow. This was called “Dirge for Dead Slang” and I guess it was supposed to be some sort of lamentation for outmoded language. It had this monotonous soundtrack playing over loudspeakers that was a tad too loud, so no one could really hear what the ghosts were listing off. Intended?

Just down the street at City Hall, was this:

This had the unfulfilled title “Beautiful Light: 4 LETTER WORD MACHINE”. I stood around for a few patterns; not letters. As I was leaving, some words … French? I thought this was supposed to be the “4-letter word” machine. I can think of a few to try maintenant, and they’re in English. For an English audience. I was imagining they would at least flash “bull” and “shit” in alternating sequences; isn’t that why it’s in front of City Hall?

My next stop was at this performance, the “Dead Philosophers’ Limbo”:

Radios were alternately brought out into the crowd (I kinda wasn’t paying attention to what was being read on them), and then brought into the center and piled onto one of the girls in the middle. Then, in slow-mo, the dancers came back and removed them. The middle girl jerked around a while, now surrounded by the other dancers, each holding a pose. They alternated between each other, taking turns to move in interesting ways.

I didn’t get it…

I also wasn’t sure I got the Trainspotting baby-things stuck to the wall at the OCAD:

I didn’t read about the installation before I went. In hindsight, I’m kind of glad I didn’t because that would’ve ruined the expected sense of otherwhere I think they were trying to achieve. Mostly, though, I think it was all the inebriated goofs getting their pictures taken doing all sorts of things to the giant stuffed baby-things that ruined the atmosphere. Then again, I guess it was a college.

Things were a lot more sober down at Union Station:

Was the “Imminent Departure” piece intended to establish irony? I don’t want to mislead you, the thing was noisy. Lots of recordings of loud talking, noisy trains, clamorous transit stations, and flashing lights through the fog. But like most other places, I think people were just starting to peter out a bit. You’d have to have an almost military-type mindset to still be sharp at 4:30 in the morning.

This is the Centre for Tactical Magic’s “Witches’ Cradles”. Yup, you read that right; tactical magic. They have stickers on their website that you can print off and stick on any corporation or business you want to curse. And they quote 50 Cent.

The Cradle piece wasn’t so much an art piece as it was a way to get messed up. In a nutshell, it’s a sensory deprivation chamber except without the chamber. Participants wait their turns blindfolded until they’re brought to a sturdy, pentagram-shaped sack in which they sit. The sack is pulled up around them and they’re hoisted into the air on a winch. Each sack comes with its own attendant who periodically nudges it, presumably to cause the person inside to lose their orientation.

And that wasn’t the only mind-squishing piece of art:

“The Blinking Eyes of Everything” was a giant, stroboscopic trance machine inside the Church of the Holy Trinity. According to the piece’s description, it was intended to cause hallucinations. During the time I was there, the “soundtrack” was composed of a single note played on the organ. I didn’t participate, but I’m certain that numerous Torontonians are out there right now, destroying the word. Not sure what that means, but I suspect we’ll be reading about it in the crime section of the news shortly.

Thankfully, not all of the artists were out to control our minds. Some just wanted to get us drunk and take us home.

The “Vodka Pool” seemed conspicuously shallow. It was intended for viewers to “ponder the volatile and symbolic qualities of 80-proof vodka” as it relates to the financial institutions surrounding it. But after a while, the fumes made all that money look attractive. That’s not even irony, that’s just being sloshed.

And apparently that’s how you’re supposed to go to Nuit Blanche. I think I see the wisdom in that. By 7:30 the following morning, they were taking down the signs and I was going there myself. Had I been a bit more spirited, I might’ve been able to stay up a bit longer. Any spirit, really. Even beer.

I’m glad they only do this thing once a year. I barely hit a quarter of what was out there (this post has only the highlights of that quarter), and I’d been trudging around for five hours. By my calculations, to see all the projects you’d have to see eleven per hour. That’s one every five and a half minutes. If we factor in a somewhat unreasonable two minutes travel time between projects, you could appreciate each one for roughly three and a half minutes before dashing off to the next one. And you’d have to keep up the pace for the full twelve hours.

Technically, it should be possible. Sounds like we have a challenge. :D

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