Bicycling in Toronto has been contentious issue for some time. It really came to head just a little under a year ago when Michael Bryant, then the Attorney General for Ontario, had his run-in Darcy Allan Sheppard, then a general asshole. And bike courier.

The story, if you’re not familiar with it, goes like this: Bryant was driving home in his convertible with his wife beside him after an evening out when Sheppard, drunk and belligerent — for quite a few intersections and toward more than a few other drivers, a pattern of behaviour he regularly engaged in — decided that he’d had enough of cars. Or something. It’s unlikely that what he did had any real reason behind it.

It began, more or less, with Sheppard pulling in front of Bryant’s convertible and falling off his bike (not being knocked off, as was repeatedly suggested) . Maybe he was smashed off his gourd, maybe just trying to pick a fight, maybe both. Witnesses report that at this point Sheppard was screaming obscenities and basically acting like a raving lunatic, something he’d been visibly doing all the way down the street prior to reaching Bryant’s car. You can almost smell the halo above Sheppard’s head, can’t you?

This whole interaction can be seen on somewhat grainy closed-circuit footage, with detractors pointing out how Bryant “rolls toward Sheppard almost immediately”, ignoring the fact that Sheppard darts in front of the car well before it moves, in under a second, and is heavily drunk (according to later toxicology tests), and ready to fight the moment he gets up. Basically, the cycling world’s version of a saint.

Have a look for yourself:

For a moment the convertible lurches forward, something Bryant blames on the sudden alarming nature of the situation, and something that Sheppard supporters just can’t seem to come to grips with. Why would someone be alarmed and temporarily lose control of their vehicle with a bellowing maniac by their side? Why didn’t Bryant sit there and take it or get out of the car and confront Sheppard? With your wife by your side, after all, these are the “sensible” solutions.

Remember, the next time a cyclists cuts you off, get out of your vehicle or step off the curb and beat the living snot out of them – it’s what they would want you to do, it’s the wisest choice.

Supporters maintain that Sheppard was then “pushed” under the car, along with his bike, for almost a block. After which he miraculously jumped up and gave chase to the convertible on his bike, which, despite being dragged under a car for a block, was miraculously unharmed. Miracle upon miracle performed by Saint Sheppard.

In any event, poor innocent Sheppard managed to catch up to Bryant and lunged at him, managing only to grab the side rear-view mirror. At this point, Bryant decided he’d had enough and he floored it, shouting at Sheppard to let go. The cyclist, in a fit of benevolence, vocally refused to let go and the car travelled roughly two blocks with Bryant swerving onto the sidewalk trying to scrape Sheppard off the side of his car. Sheppard eventually let go only after hitting a tree and, in the process, cracking his skull and dying.

Not a good night out.

In the end the charges against Bryant were entirely dropped. Between the videotape evidence and the eyewitness accounts, there just wasn’t enough evidence to charge him with anything. Even after the intense media scrutiny he received (especially as Attorney General), lawyers on both sides agreed that Bryant had done the best he could, given the circumstances. Sheppard supporters said he got off easy because of his high profile. After all, the prosecution wanted nothing more than to just toss their hands in the air and walk away, as prosecution are wont to do. Even Sheppard’s dad said that this was the correct outcome and that he didn’t blame Bryant.

Poor Saint Sheppard, murdered by Bryant in cold blood. “No justice, no peace!”, wept Sheppard’s “family” of fellow couriers, all upstanding citizens in the own right, as they downed bottle after bottle of beer and liquor on the same street corner on which Sheppard died. Then they cycled off, back into the “meat grinder” of the city, angrier than ever, ready to confront all the four-wheeled murderers out there.

The reason I bring this up is to demonstrate the type of mentality (or lack of), that some cyclists carry around. Not all, mind you, but some – usually the most vocal and abrasive ones. And it’s clearly an adversarial attitude, to put it mildly. The cyclist I refer to in the first paragraph would probably fall into this category.

Obviously this guy is a regular two-wheeled warrior, ready to take on the next car that gets in his way. To his credit, he was wearing a helmet and safety gear. He wasn’t actually allowed to be cycling down the middle lane on Jarvis Street, at least not yet. The project to turn a part of the street to bike-only is in the works, but it won’t be the centre lane, and it isn’t ready yet anyways. That didn’t stop this fellow from cursing cars that “cut him off”, and it didn’t stop him from blocking traffic for some time to describe how cars “always” push him off the road (and how they insist on taking up the whole lane).

He was more than happy to stand in the middle of the road, in a section that would otherwise be the left-turn portion, while chatting with me and inviting other cyclists to ride down the “glorious” middle lane – actually insisting that they break the law for their own safety. To be fair, I shouldn’t have been in the lane either, but then again I wasn’t inviting fellow pedestrians to join me in the middle of a busy street based on my own faulty understanding of the law. Plus, I got the hell out of there as soon as this guy finished describing what assholes motorists were while he went on to have more interactions with them just a bit further on.

If you look closely in the photos you’ll notice that there’s a singular traffic light posted above the middle lane. This is used to determine traffic flow; you can drive it one way in the mornings, the other in the afternoons. Today it was closed in both directions as part of the new lane construction. Not opened in either direction.

But since bicycles are exempt from the law, it’s obvious how anyone could make the mistake. Even simple logical deduction can be ignored; you know, like why they would put bicycles in the middle lane instead of the much-more-sensible side lanes — which is where the actual lanes will be. Yes, why expend one bit of energy on rational thought or an attempt to show any consideration for anyone else – fellow cyclists, pedestrians, and especially motorists — when you’re on a bicycle?

Yes, that is sarcasm, and it exemplifies the type of thinking that some cyclists adopt. But even this is too much for some people, like the cyclist I later saw going in the opposite direction, also using the centre lane illegally, assuming he also had the right of way around cars turning left and, while he was at it, also going through a red and nearly colliding with cars (screaming at them, of course). And why even bother wearing a helmet at that point, right? I know it sounds cruel but I wish that a car had hit this guy, just to take the asshole off the road. A menace, not only to himself, but to cars who have to swerve to avoid him, and also to pedestrians. Many cyclists still maintain that hitting someone on a bike can’t cause serious injury or even death. Nothing human-powered could possibly be dangerous.

Basically the attitude is: cyclists own the roads, they have the right of way regardless (because they’re “more vulnerable” – my favourite argument), laws are only for motorized vehicles, and any evidence that bikes are dangerous should be ignored. I’ve tried to challenge a few cyclists with this – news reports of people being hit by bikes and then dying from their injuries – but it’s hard to argue facts when the response is “fuck you, you Fascist pig!” And that’s one of the more rational conversations I’ve had.

It’s kind of like arguing with the G20 “protesters” who maintain that they should be allowed to sit in the middle of a city street because it’s “their right” to “express” themselves. Fuck everyone else’s rights, especially the police because they’re “not human” (no kidding, this is actually what they said). “Wah wah wah! My daddy never loved me! Authorities are fascists! Wah wah wah!”  Exactly the same thing children do in stores when their parents refuse to buy them the toys they want – stomp their feet, then sit down in the middle of the aisle, pout, and scream about how unfair life is. At a certain point, the best thing parents can do is to introduce the kids to the back of their hand.

No small surprise, then, that I saw my fair share of cyclists facing off against G20 riot police. “No justice, no peace!”, they cried as they rallied with groups against Israeli apartheid. It’s the same infantile “me me me” attitude, it just happens to be on two wheels. And what it needs is a good strong smack upside the head. For starters. You want something to really cry about, you whiny little shits? How about some tear gas?

But I’m getting off topic here.

What makes the situation especially taxing is that Jarvis happens to be one of the major north-south thoroughfares in the city – one of the major reasons for the middle lane bi-directionality. It’s a pretty busy street on most days but now, in order to accommodate the children, that lane will be lost. Presumably it’ll be erased and half-width bike lanes added to each side of the street.

As an occasional cyclists I’m not at all convinced it’s necessary. As someone who lives a block away and sees the kind of bicycle traffic that goes through there every day, I’m even less convinced. But the widdle babies have whined their way up to a “green” City Hall and, despite all evidence to the contrary, have managed to convince them of the need for new bike lanes.

Plus, someone got it in their head that cyclists actually obey the rules of the road – that they’ll stick to the new bike lanes, that they’ll stop on reds, that they won’t cut across four lanes of traffic just because they can and, heaven forbid, should they get hit while egregiously breaking the law, that they won’t then attack the driver who is “always” in the wrong.

Is it too late to bring the stocks back into circulation? You know, stick the dipshits into the public square for a sweet shower of rotten veggies and fruits any time they break the law in a dangerous manner. Everyone can get involved, and if the crime was particularly selfish, perhaps the pits could be left in. Having a “peachy” afternoon could be a very positive thing.

Combine that with some sort of licensing system and we’ve got ourselves a winner. I’m sure the little brats will pout, stomp their feet, and scream for a little while, but you know what they say: spare the rod, spoil the child. The streets are no place for kids to be playing around on anyways.

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The other reason I like Formula 1 is because it seems much more fair than most competitive sports. I like to compare it do downhill slaloms, for example, where differences in athletes’ times can be in the tenths of seconds — easily accounted for by an errant gust of wind. The athlete’s training, the coaching, the equipment, etc., can all be negated by something completely beyond the athlete’s control. Luck, in other words. In Formula 1 the whole aim of engineering is to mitigate the effects of luck, but even more important, all the drivers race at the same time so that elements like wind, rain, etc., affect everyone equally.

The Toronto Criterium is very similar to Formula 1 in these respects.

The bike race ran the same route as last year through the streets of the St. Lawrence neighbourhood. I’m not a fan of oval racing tracks; they tend to get boring real fast. If it wasn’t for the various pubs, restaurants, and cafes lining the 1 km (0.6 mi) route, I’d find much greater fault with the event. However, the oval seems to be the only negative in a race that’s otherwise all pluses.

Last year I lamented the fact that I didn’t witness any wipe-outs. It’s not that I want anyone to get seriously hurt. Quite the contrary, in fact, I’d like nothing else than to watch them crash again another day. But be honest, spectacular collisions are the best parts of any race, am I right?

This year I also stuck around to see who the winners were. After 74 laps at an average speed of 47.6 km (29.6 mi) per hour, team SpiderTech powered by Planet Energy dominated the first four spots, led by Andrew Randell.

And just like Formula 1, Andrew cracked a bottle of bubbly on the podium and sprayed the audience. I can attest to the fact that real Champagne is indeed used. Not bad either.

No pit crews or fiery collisions, but not bad for a competitive sporting event. I’d love to see something more complex than an oval because right now all the cyclists do is continually turn left. The trick to setting up another course, however, would be to ensure that there are enough depots along the way for folks to wet their whistles; spectating for five hours takes some serious stamina!

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Photo Shoot at Balmy Beach.
We couldn’t even get out of the neighbourhood without me stopping us to take pictures – Jason pointed out the bride & groom on the rocks. In his particular part of The Beach/es (to about Leuty Lifeguard Station) along the boardwalk I have seen photo shoots, commercials or films in progress and music videos made. It’s a lovely stretch and has a different feel then westward on the boardwalk. More volleyball nets & all-day players, more sunbathers & groups of young people hanging out on benches pretending to be oblivious to the aforementioned things. All along the boardwalk from one end to the other, with the trail alongside, you’ll find couples of all ages, people walking their dogs, rollerbladers & cyclists.

And to think I didn’t even know this place existed when I lived down off Queen West just across from Trinity-Bellwoods Park. I thought Queen West was the best part of Toronto ever. I’m not denying it’s still fantastic – nothing like just walking Queen street from east to as far west as you can take it – and probably when I do it again I’ll be feeling it – but it’s so good to call this area home.

Ashbridge’s Bay.
Where the paddlers begin (or end) you can see these guys row hardcore long past the beaches – I wonder if they go so far as the Bluffs? I don’t know much about this but I’m curious about it.

There is no rushing a river. When you go there, you go at the pace of the water and that pace ties you into a flow that is older than life on this planet. Acceptance of that pace, even for a day, changes us, reminds us of other rhythms beyond the sound of our own heartbeats.
- Jeff Rennicke*

* quote taken from this interesting website.
(stealin’ a quote. that’s a paddlin’

on our way to Cherry Beach -
we were just taking the trail that would eventually lead us to Cherry Street where we’d continue on our way. I was going to write something about this, about how I was just here recently & of how I visited it before, and then I stumbled across a page online that says Clarke Beach is known for cruisin’ for gay sex. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. So if you’re looking for a place, there’s an informative page if you just insert the terms “Cherry Beach” + “bicycle trail” and scroll down for Clarke Beach, m’kay? See, you can learn new things from the internet! (I actually found the page quite informative & learned a lot – not about gay sex but about some nifty features in the area).

desire lines.
See, I thought these were to get to the water or to some more seclusive beach areas for those parties one can have (including drum circles!) but now, after reading that other page, I’m wondering where these desire trails lead to. Would I just be intruding? I had the thought that I would explore them before (i love desire lines) but now I wonder if I’d just be making for more “awkward amber” moments.

It’s a bigger boat.
I took this photo sitting on my bicycle, holding on to the railing to steady myself. I took this other one while JB drove across the bridge. I think I like the drive-by photo more.

CN Tower from the bridge on Cherry Street.
It’s like you can’t not take a photo of this thing.

One of the many buildings in Toronto that was formerly a bank, usually located on many corners long ago.

more to see along the trail…

Sign says…
but it wasn’t closed anymore, not really.

As good a reason as any for a couple of timed self portraits.

Toronto Stock Exchange.
I overhead on the news not long ago that trading hasn’t been done in this building for sometime but you can bet that during the G20 there is no way in heck that anyone who isn’t authorized to pass through the security zone will be going anywhere near this place.

< insert video break >

@ Nathan Phillips Square on Queen Street West.

We ended up here because Jason needed to eat. I had pretty much pushed him out the door for the bicycle ride as soon as he got home from work, leaving him but a chance for a few spoons of yoghurt — but I knew that if we didn’t leave immediately, I’d talk myself out of going.

There’s definitely a height difference.
I want a coaster bike (& ROLLERSKATES) but my mountain bike serves me well. I ride like a devil on it. I was always like that when I had bikes as a kid. I wonder what it would have been like had I grown up in this city? Would I have kept riding? Could I have been a bike courier?

Going home.
Streetcars nearing Dominion on Queen, known to me as the bar where I judged my first poetry slam.

Bridge over Lower Don River.

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“What gives?”, was my initial reaction, but without a jolt of caffeine and the other magical energy ingredients found in my canned morning concoction, I’m pretty much useless at that time of day, so that’s as far as that line of questioning went.

But once I got back to the flat and downed all 473 millilitres of liquid inspiration it suddenly dawned on me that something in the park was amiss, so I grabbed my camera and my curiosity and headed back.

The curly-haired dude in the park was actually a city bylaw officer who had been sent there in response to some accident that had happened the day previous between a dog walker and cyclist. I didn’t ask him to elaborate – seemed pretty self-evident.

If you’ve been reading TCL for a while, dear reader, you’ll know that I’m not too fond of aggressive cyclists, but none of the cyclists going through Allan Gardens this morning seemed particularly agitated. In fact, it was a warm and sunny morning and other than the fact that they were being stopped by some city employee and being told to walk their bikes through the park, none of the cyclists seemed particularly upset. Correction, most of them didn’t seem upset.

A few people did seem a little miffed at not being able to ride their bikes through a public park, and I readily admit that I shared in their miffiness. So I took curly-hair to task; “You’re not allowed to ride bicycles through public parks?”, I asked. “Through some parks and ravines, no, you can’t”, he replied. “Do you happen to know what bylaw this is? Is it posted?”, I followed up, genuinely taken aback.

Curly-hair replied by citing the city bylaw and pointing out that there was inadequate signage (to be rectified), at the north end of the park to this effect. He was nice enough about his interactions with me and other people and wasn’t handing out any citations, so I don’t want to give the impression of some brutal government clampdown on cyclists, at least not during this situation. However, the laws he was gently enforcing are still on the books and still technically punishable.

Now at this point I want to just pause for a moment and discuss municipal bylaw interpretation. I’m no lawyer; never claimed to be. But bylaws, and infractions thereupon, usually wouldn’t involve lawyers – a fine at most. Furthermore, bylaws are intended for common everyday citizens; if we can’t interpret municipal bylaws for ourselves then I’d like to suggest that there’s a serious flaw in the way that they’re written. In other words, a lay interpretation of these laws should be sufficient. Hence, if I’m reading them wrong then they need to be revised. Or I’m incredibly stupid.

The specific law being cited in this instance is part of Chapter 608 of the Municipal Code which states that “While in a park, no person shall ride or operate or be in possession of a bicycle where posted to prohibit bicycles”.

On the one hand it’s understandable that, if bikes are to be considered vehicles, that they shouldn’t be allowed to mingle with foot traffic. I mean, if they’re potentially that dangerous then yeah, ban those fuckers. But ban them everywhere – all footpaths, all parks, anywhere where they’re likely to come into as close contact with pedestrians as they might in Allan Gardens. And considering how wide the paths through that park are, that should mean pretty much everywhere.

But if arbitrary enforcement of laws based on knee-jerk reactions is the soup du jour then we have a potentially much more serious problems staring us in the face. I mean, the cycling bylaw is somewhat sensible, but this section of the Municipal Code has a few other things to say about what citizens can and can’t do in public parks. Here are some choice selections:

Section 608-3 C. “No person shall release any balloons filled with lighter-than-air gases in a park.”

This was probably intended to prevent people from launching weather balloons and parade floats from public parks. Unfortunately, it also covers your kid’s helium balloon.

Section 608-17 A. “Arrange or engage in an organized sport or activity, unless authorized by permit.”

Okay, no professional soccer matches; makes sense. Unfortunately it also covers you and a group of your friends tossing the Frisbee around. What constitutes an “organized sport or activity”? — “… a game or activity pre-planned by a group or organization whether or not formally constituted and whether or not the players or members wear uniforms.”

Section 608-9 B. “Unless authorized by permit, no person shall use, enter or gather in a park between the hours of 12:01 a.m. and 5:30 a.m.”

All those late tipsy nights stumbling home through Allan Gardens, all those Tai Chi practitioners in the park before dawn – CRIMINALS!

Section 608-25 A, B, C. “While in a park, no person shall fly a kite with a line that is metallic or contains wire; fly a kite within 25 metres of any tree, building, light pole or hydro or other utility pole; fly a kite in parking lots, roadways or pathways;”

Now I know this is supposed to keep people from getting fried but has anyone realistically tried to keep within these limits? It’s a bit like the proposed three-foot berth that cycling advocates want motorists to stick to when passing bicycles – is there even three feet of road available for this?

Section 608-32 “The maximum rate of speed for vehicles, motorized recreational vehicles, bicycles and personally powered devices in a park is 20 kilometres per hour.”

That’s 12 miles per hour if you’re imperially Inclined. On a bike that may be reasonable though I have yet to see a single bicycle with a speedometer installed. And in a car, well, let’s say I tried it, manual transmission, on the lowest gear possible, with my foot off the gas, the lowest engine RPMs pulling me along, and I was breaking the law at 25 clicks.

Sections 608-34.1 to 608-34.3 – The most extensive part and covering about four pages deals with regulations for commercial dog walkers, obviously a scourge on modern society.

Section 608-35 “No person as owner or person having the control of an animal shall bring into or permit the animal to enter a park if it may or does constitute a danger to other persons or wildlife, or is reasonably likely to frighten other persons.”

Get that butt-ugly dog of out of our parks!

Section 608-43 “The Commissioner is authorized to prune or cause to be pruned all trees located on private property, the branches of which extend over a park, including the pruning of branches that are hazardous or create an unsafe condition.”

I wasn’t able, in my five-minutes’-worth of research, to find out who the commissioner is, but clearly you’ll need them by your side to do your yard work.

Section 608-47 “While in a park, no person shall take or permit to be taken for remuneration any film, photograph, videotape or television broadcast unless permitted under the City’s film bylaw28 and authorized by permit from the Toronto Film and Television Office.”

Well fuck, I guess that photo at the top is illegal. Do you supposed that if I make more than a buck off advertising that they’ll take me to court?

—

Look, I know that a lot of these bylaws won’t be fully enforced, and many of them probably have good intentions behind them. But since witnessing the bylaw officer tongue-lashing cyclists in the park this morning I’m not fully convinced that the laws are entirely benign. At the very least they’re unenforceable and basically a waste of money to keep on the books; beyond that, they tend to verge on this side of absurdity. Or worse.

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Office of Toronto City Councillor McConnell
Attn: Councillor McConnell

Hey, Pam-pam! What’s shakin’, baby? Seems like it’s been ages since we chatted, huh? Come to think of it, I don’t think we ever chatted. We’ve never met, as a matter of fact. But with this new scrutiny about the plane trip you took this summer, I wanted to reach out and let you know you have supporters out there. At least one. Here.

In returning from Florida to put in your vote on this summer’s garbage strike, you helped to break the impasse put in place by the very people now pointing their fingers your way. I’m not sure that $1,100 was the cheapest flight you could’ve found, but compared to the waste and mismanagement proffered by the rest of Toronto Council, this is a pittance. If I contributed to your flight from my own exorbitant taxes, I want you to know that I’m not sore about it. Probably cost me, like, a hundredth of a penny. You’re welcome.

Besides, if you were required return to Toronto to do your job during that special emergency vote, it would have been negligent if you didn’t try to get back quickly. I wouldn’t take any flak from anyone over this if I were you. Show ‘em a letter from your satisfied constituent if they think you’re pulling a fast one on them.

Basically, Pammers, don’t let them get you down. You’re doing your job, and you’re doing it well; the other councillors are just jealous. One day they’ll be in jail for whatever illicit underage sexual relationships they’re engaged in (aren’t they screwing the innocent?), and you and I will laugh about it over a couple of cold ones.

Stalwartly yours,
Patrick

To the cyclists of Toronto,

Okay, I admit it, I feel for you. A bit.

When cops start blocking bike lanes to stop off for lunch, that’s a little much. I think everyone’s in agreement that this is just not right. If it’s a fine for the officer, so be it. If there’s an additional reprimand, I don’t think it would be out of place. After all, if the police are going to be enforcing something, they should be following it, otherwise John Q. Lawman won’t be getting much respect around here.

Your beef with many car drivers is a perfectly valid one and this is a fine example. The problem I’m seeing is that there’s a whole lotta antagonism between both sides and no one is making any progress. I see you screaming at cars, many of whom have just made innocent mistakes, sometimes just to vent, sometimes for very good reason indeed. I see them shaking their fists back, neck veins so strained that a pinprick would just instantly fill the inside of the car with red. Woh-oh-oh-hoaw there! Just hang on a second, therre, Nelly. Is it getting hot out here? Let’s just take a deep breath.

I’ve been on both sides of that glass. There are most certainly jerk-hole drivers, and without a doubt jerk-hole cyclists. Jerk-hole pedestrians too. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I’m not going to depend on anyone out there, especially not the jerk-holes, to prevent my death. Besides, there’s plenty of opportunity for death at the hands of other types of drivers: tired, distracted, drunk, high, having a cardiac arrest, having a stroke, having a mechanical failure, etc.

So, you can point at the motorists all you want, but the onus is on you to take responsibility for your own actions first. It’s tempting to just say fuck it when your life is threatened so often, but I urge you to stick it out. Obey the rules of the road to the best of your ability. At the same time, you should expect no less from your fellow travellers. And now you also have a much stronger moral position from which to cuss people off. You can flip them a most righteous bird.

Or you also try talking to people. If they’re parked in the bike lane, why not give them the benefit of the doubt? Maybe they really don’t know what the lane is for. You’ve got tourists and other out-of-towners driving around and the signage around the city’s already pretty crazy. I drove downtown for years and still managed to do lots of inadvertently illegal stuff; rarely did I try to murder cyclists. The two aren’t related.

If I could leave you with one thing it would be this: imagine the surprised driver who, after dangerously cutting you off, finds himself having a friendly and relaxed conversation with you (instead of the usual scream) who explains why that maneuver back there really wasn’t such a good idea. Now you’re not just another jerk-hole cyclist, you’re a human being who’s just trying to get through the day. Just like the driver. Queue rapport! And … action!

Shift that paradigm, as we used to say in the nineties. Oh, and Pam McConnell’s on your side; let that lofty perspective keep you afloat.

I’m still convinced that the cyclist who died hanging off the side of Michael Bryant’s car was being a jerk, but he was just one individual with a mess of personal problems. If he’s going to be the poster boy for something, let it be the end of an era.

Pedestrianly yours,
Patrick

To the former From the desk of Patrick,

Awww crap. Sorry, pal. I thought I was using a copy, I swear, if I knew I was changing the original, I never would’ve done it!

I didn’t have the heart to try to re-write you. Also, I don’t have an idea what you were about. Something regarding sweaters? *sigh*

You’re up in post heaven now with all the other posts that get deleted by naive blog owners (when will they learn?!)

I hope you had a good life here, brief as it was. Your candle blew out long before your legend ever did. Sir Elton John.

Regretfully,
Patrick

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No great story behind this, unfortunately. No lawsuits, no threatening phone calls, no late-night tech support, just a boneheaded click on the wrong button.

Now the comments below are completely out of context. Neat

So, sorry, but have a look at some of the other stuff around here. The archives in the sidebar at the right, I mean. Or do a search for a titillating term.

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“NOW THEREFORE, I, Mayor David Miller, on behalf of Toronto City Council, do hereby proclaim May 25 – June 25, 2009 as ‘Bike Month‘ and encourage everyone to get outside and ride!” — here’s the PDF.

Guess that’s Life for ya — in the City of Toronto, no less. Unfortunately Bill Carroll wasn’t on hand this morning to appraise the situation; perhaps he’s at home fearing for his life. Us bikers can be a pretty aggressive bunch, it’s true.

Yes, I biked today. My highly affordable and questionably-constructed Freespirit Aluminum Concept 6061 (that’s the name … can you find the web site? … ‘cuz I can’t), made the ride quite exciting. Aside from the single occasion I had to explain, in passing and quite loudly, why a truck didn’t need to block not only my lane but also the lane of traffic next to me just to make a left turn, it was a pretty smooth ride. The pavement needed some work in sections and I could see someone getting a surprise facial makeover if they weren’t careful, but for the most part the ride was without incident. Cars were unexpectedly cautious; perhaps it was the gentle swaying motion or the empty liquor bottle I was dangling loosely from my left hand, but everyone seemed to give me a pretty wide berth.

The biggest annoyances on the road today were actually the other cyclists. I’ll be honest, I don’t really care how stupid they’re being in front of cars or trucks because, let’s face it, that’s Darwin’s theory being played out in perfect harmony with the universe. It’s nature’s way of preserving a base level of intelligence in the general population, don’t you think? If the need to show their brains pubicly is really that profound, what goddam right do I have to stop them? But when they start pulling that shit in front of other cyclists or pedestrians, it’s a bit different.

It was mostly the inattention that got me: making a turn and simply not looking anywhere but forward; cutting out in front of cars on red lights; pulling out across the middle of the lane or the sidewalk and just sitting there; sometimes it’s just an unnecessary inconvenience and sometimes it’s just plain dangerous. Perhaps the topic of a future Guide to Urban Insolence for drivers?

Speaking of dangerous biking, this month is being kicked off with a close-quarters free-for-all race called the Criterium which, if the photographs speak true, promises some good old-fashioned road-tanned hides. The starting-line scrimmage should be wipeout central — *THE* place to be! I’m so excited that I’ve taken to wearing Depends all the time now.

Unfortunately, not everything will be this festive. The month-long celebration allows you to pack the pounds you’ve lost back on with a variety of pancake breakfasts and a bike tour of Dufflet stores. I think the Dufflet slogan should be: “Does this in any way taste like you want to know how many calories it has?” They have very very tasty cakes. Very tasty. For a reason.

There are a bunch of workshops and a couple of parades where people from all walks of life get to exclaim “I love to ride!”, which if you interpret it sexually as I do most things, is quite funny. I’m not sure what’s going on with the Leslie Street Spit other than some people bitching about the cormorants, but it’s going to be a popular destination with at least two tours of the area and another just across the water on Ward’s island. There are also a variety of group events such as the “Tuesday Ravine Ride”, “Wednesday Night Ride”, “Fast and Furious Friday Night Ride”, and the popular “Weekend rides” which are also open to enjoyably sexual connotations.

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Actually, it was all Torontonians and not me specifically, but I still felt the cold finger of blame pointed squarely at my face.

If you don’t know, Bill Carroll is the prime time personality for local radio station CFRB (AM 1010). His soothing repartee is my morning wake-up, usually taken with a caffeinated beverage, and followed by 680 News and a sunny toilet bowl.

The “Wall of Shame” segment, usually on just after 8 a.m., is a way for Bill to vent his rage and frustration in a generally non-violent way. Usually it’s the denizens of city hall or some child-abusers (I don’t think Bill sees a difference), who receive the honour of the simulated hammer-and-nail routine, but this morning Bill decided that Toronto — and everyone in it — was worthy of being shamed.

What got Bill so mad? The “minority” bicycling population of  Toronto is trying to impress their anti-car agenda on the city and we’re all just lying back and taking it. This stemmed from news that the group is trying to revive the proposal for a bike-only lane to be added to a section of Bloor Street West. Bill took this to be a personal afront: he drives, these people are obviously anti-car, hence they’re against him.

Usually Bill fake-hammers the virtual nail with measured disdain, but today he was pounding and yelling into the microphone like a man on a mission.

Why aren’t all car drivers furious with this “minority” agenda, he asked? Why is city hall filled with car haters? Why the hell isn’t the population of Toronto up in arms?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL YOU PEOPLE?! (or something similar)

Bill phoned the deranged organizer of this three-ring circus to ask him what the big idea was. The guy on the other end replied that the city would be much better off if everyone rode a bike: environment, health, etc. Bill disagreed vociferously. The plan would be unworkable for the “vast majority” of people. It’s unconscionable how the bike-riding “minority” is trying to hijack city hall for it’s own nefarious purposes. How many people would use this extra lane anyway? Numbers! How many people, really?! TELL ME HOW MANY OF YOU SONS OF BITCHES THERE ARE!

The interviewee couldn’t come up with any stats.

How typical! Bill was sure it wasn’t a lot of people, not like drivers; there’s a lot of those, definitely a “vast majority”.

As Bill launched into another tirade, this was pretty much the end of the dialogue. Perhaps the interviewee left the conversation, maybe Bill hung up on him. The voice on the other end of the line simply stopped attempting to speak in between the Carroll deluge.

Now with only himself to convince, Bill kept absentmindedly knocking the imaginary nail while slowly descending into something resembling normalcy, all the while trying to re-frame the topic so that even the thickest of us would understand how awful it really was.

The phone lines were opened up.

The first caller agreed with Bill’s assertions and managed to earn himself a second sentence. “Why not lead a protest group like the Tamils?” he asked. “I can’t get involved,” replied Bill. “If you’re famous and lead a protest, they’re all over you. Somebody else needs to do this. Are you listening, Toronto? I’m so sick and tired of…”, and so on.

And then came the traffic report.

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