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Yup, May 21st – Judgment Day. Probably why everyone is so busy stocking up on goods.

Awww, how sweet!! I sure do hope they’re conscious.

Why do Saturdays always seem to end up this way? Oh well, there are plans afoot to man-ify this evening with a visit to the pub, perhaps to drown a snifter or two of port. Or beer.

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If you read / listen to / watch the news, you’ve probably heard about the protests in Egypt.

I can honestly say that I don’t know the first thing about Mubarak or why people want him out of office, but I figure if there’s that many people screaming, shouting, and braving violence, they probably have a decent argument to support them. Then again, maybe my assumptions are making an ass out of me and me.

The so-called state of emergency that the guy’s had in place since, I believe, 1981, seems a little suspect if you ask me, and it’s not like politicians are known to be particularly honest or necessarily working for the good of their own people.

So, yeah, good on people for standing up for their rights. Except…

…who the heck are they talking to? And moreover, what the heck are they trying to achieve?

It’s my understanding that Egypt doesn’t have a consulate in Toronto, and I’m certain that it’s not at the Eaton Centre, so what exactly is the point of screaming into megaphones at tourists and people heading home from work? (And why is it always the same grating woman leading the charge?)

I mean, if you support the protesters then they’re probably not saying anything new to you. If you don’t then their abrasive, sidewalk-blocking style probably isn’t likely to change your mind. And beyond all of this, do any passer-bys have the ability to do anything about it anyways?

If it’s political change they’re demanding, shouldn’t they be at Queen’s Park or, better yet, in Ottawa? If it’s a violent uprising they’re demanding, is the center of Toronto tourist area the best place to do it? If they’re trying to sway people’s opinions, is shrill screaming through megaphones the best way? Any ideas…anyone?

Hey, you wanna freeze your nuts off to wave your flag and vent, no skin off my ass. But if you’re actually trying to make a change, may I suggest that you start with a little thinking.

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Haha!

Ah, but I kid. This is actually a serious problem for Toronto retailers. Last year we lost 12 people in an avalanche at the lower-level Starbucks…

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I’m always a little surprised to hear someone say that they don’t. To me, the dislike inevitably always boils down to poor management, doesn’t matter the back story.

What do you see when you look at the following picture?

Do you see a brightly decorated foyer with a festively blue wreath above the door, or is that a translucently hot sun about to go supernova and tear you and your family limb from limb? I’m going to suggest that both are possible depending on how you look at it. This can either be the prelude to an idyllic Christmas, or it can the foreshadowing of utter bloody terror. What’s the difference? I believe the answer is expectations.

In the first scenario, the only expectation is that you’ll be home, happy with your family, and hopefully you’ll get to enjoy some relaxing time off and a couple of good meals. Pretty simple, easy to fulfill. In the next scenario, well, I don’t have enough space here for the lists, recipes, schedules, budgets, planning, planning, and more planning that needs to takes place. And that show really needs to hit the road ASAP if it’s going to get some traction by December.

The first scenario has fairly low expectations. The second’s are in the stratosphere. So the trick is to simply bring those expectations down. Manage them.

Part of that is letting everyone know you want to keep it as simple as possible this year:

Take a page from the people in the business district, they didn’t dick around. “Throw a string of shit on that tree and let’s get the fuck outta here, we’ve got money to make”, is most probably how it went down. The essence of pragmatism.

But the idea is to take a page and not the whole book, because otherwise you start getting stuff like this:

Okay, it’s certainly better than barf on the windows, but it seems a little cold. Guess I’m more of a traditional Christmas kinda guy; gimme a fireplace, a mug full of booze, and a comely lass on the knee. Trees are also nice. I probably wouldn’t choose to put giant, blood-red impalement pyramids in the entrance to my place. I think it gives off the wrong message.

Bay Street sure likes it’s Christmas angular and abstract. But that’s okay, I don’t expect any more than that.

I did, however, expect the Eaton Centre’s decorations to be a little more involved. On Thursday evening they jammed the mall to unveil the Swarovski Crystal Tree so I had to delay getting a good look at it. Either that or elbow kids in wheelchairs to get to the front of the crowd during the ceremony. That didn’t seem very Christmasy. But today I got to sip an apple-carrot juice in peace and stare at a whole bunch of crystal hanging on a tree, hardly having to put any elbows into kids’ faces:

Something like this should’ve gone into Yonge-Dundas Square. It’s big, it’s loud; it’s a man’s tree. Even with all the glitter on it. If it means having armed guards around if it goes outside, so be it. That’s the price of fame.

But back to the Christmas and expectations thing, the Eaton Centre met mine well enough with the tree. But I also know that they hang a bunch of stuff from the rafters that’s usually pretty busy and fun to look at:

The more I look at that, the more I become convinced it’s a Christmas tree blasting off into deep space. That I didn’t expect. There’s also an unexpected scenario happening at the north end of the mall:

It’s difficult to see, but that sleigh has no passenger. The reindeer are in full gallop, dashing towards the stars (on a collision course with the tree!), and Santa’s plummeting down head-first somewhere in the background. In my mind. Also not expected, and quite an amusing tableau.

Expectations, managed.

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I say technical because if you look at the archives, TCL only goes back to January. But it’s really been online since November of last year.

Luckily the WayBack Machine has, as yet, no record of it.

At that time TCL had a mostly-black theme with content that induced hemorrhaging from the eyeballs and projectile vomiting. Pretty awful stuff. Back then I didn’t have the experience or the sphincteric relaxation to do anything interesting, really. Had anyone suggested I run a shocking exposé on what really happens at the annual Santa Claus Parade, I would’ve balked!

But in mid-November I attended Illuminite, the annual Christmas lighting of Yonge-Dundas Square. It was a cold and rainy November night, but the show went on anyway. Try as I might, I wasn’t able to muscle my way up to the front of the crowd, and it was in that soggy moment of inspiration that I remembered it was Toronto City Life. Most of these people were alive, so they qualified. I was getting all bent out of shape for nothing!

That epiphany, and the attitudinal adjustment that came with it, carried me through all the way around to this year’s event. Good thing too because there were a lot more people this time around:

Most of the show, consisting of fire, sparks, trampolines, and dancing, took place at the far end of the square. There was a lot of loud music that, more often than not, descended into a raucous noise that in no way said season’s greetings to me. Eventually, the same spooky music I remember from last year came on as the fire dancers wound their way across the square toward the stage I’d plunked myself behind:

The dancers paraded around on stage in wintry white and silver, twirling fiery objects and having pyrotechnics go off behind them as if to say, “here’s the last blast of warmth you’re getting for the next six months”:

The audience were close enough that one slip and the girl in the red hood got a face full of fire. Now if that’s not a reason to go see something live, I don’t know what is. The fireworks were pretty scary too:

Behind the dancers was the reason for the whole display, the tree.

Nostalgia aside, I want to go on record as saying it’s great that the city doesn’t use a live tree. But what they chose instead is … not quite there yet.

I mean, obviously they were going for a theme because someone went to the bother of creating some Christmas light bears. But while nice, they and the tree seem more appropriate on someone’s 80s-themed holiday lawn than in the Square.

I also remember these things not quite making it to Christmas last year before a chunk of the lights had been broken, stolen, or had burned out. They’re a great photo-op and ideal swine flu vector, but unfortunately they don’t last:

Don’t get me wrong, Illuminite will always hold a special place in my heart because of the sopping awakening it gave me. In a way, it lived up to its name. But with the number of people packed into the square this year, I think they’ll need to come up with something a little less centralized; performances in small pockets all over the square, that kind of thing. And do something about that tree while they’re at it. Next to the longest street in the world, it doesn’t look very impressive.

I’ll do the official whoop-up for TCL in January, but I’m still happy I managed to last a year. And wouldn’t you know it, someone completed the loop on Saturday night by asking me if I was a journalist. I’ve now been asked that same question in every season. The circle of life is complete. Hakuna matata!

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It’s also been an unusually traumatic week, what with Bill Carroll switching time slots and all. You can smell change in the air. And musty autumn leaves. And urine. Why’s it always urine?

But no matter. The proper urban rat knows all the warmest holes in the ground. In Toronto it happens to be a long-ish path known as, umm, PATH. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be an acronym or what; not that it would jazz it up any.

Today, instead of writing a long post describing what’s there and blah blah blah, I thought I’d just invite you along for the walk. I am so thoughtful!

Just a couple of things before we get going. First, you’ll need the latest version of Adobe Flash Player installed. If you don’t have it: http://get.adobe.com/flashplayer/ (no cost, no sign-up/strings, 100% legit — I promise!) But you might not even need to. If look below and you see the photo of Metro Hall with the big play button on it, you’re golden. Otherwise install and reload. Shouldn’t take more than a few seconds.

Second, you’re along for the walk! I think it runs about five minutes (about a quarter of the actual walk), and it’s a sort of flip-book animation, so give the pages some time to load. Grab a coffee and put on some cool music. (Hey I slapped this together in an evening; whaddya want?!)

Finally, if you must stop, you can just click on the movie to pause / unpause it. And right-click for extra options and creative ways to screw up the interface. But try to keep up, okay? I gotta write that TCL post tonight!

Oh, I almost forgot! We’re starting off at Metro Hall (heading east), veering north by Roy Thomson Hall, through St. Andrew Subway Station, slightly south through Standard Life and Toronto-Dominion, then north through First Canadian Place, up to the Sheraton Centre Hotel, across to The Hudson’s Bay Company, over Queen Street to the Eaton Centre, and finally ducking under Dundas Subway Station to come up in Toronto Life Square on the north side of Yonge-Dundas Square. Here’s a map: http://www.toronto.ca/path/pdf/path_brochure.pdf

Haha! Screw you, cold!

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