I have my standards. It’s the finicky Canadian in me. Or maybe the obstinate Czech. If the Canadian government had higher standards, maybe they’d keep the likes of Winona Ryder out of Canada. They came out with a new guide for immigrants today, but I don’t see how it protects anyone from anything.

Here are the things I took away from this:

“Serving on a jury is a privilege”

I’m not sure that needs any comment.

“In the visual arts, Canada is historically perhaps best known for the Group of Seven…”

If that’s true then we really need to do something. Now!

“In our federal state, the federal government takes responsibility for…”

Whoa there! Who said anything about taking responsibility? The government takes no stand on this issue.

June 24 – Fête Nationale (Quebec)

Once again Quebecers get a perk that the rest of Canada doesn’t. On my tax money, no doubt!

“Saskatchewan, once known as the ‘breadbasket of the world’ and the ‘wheat province’…”

Yeah, Saskatchewan used to be something. What kind of message is that?

“’Whereas Canada is founded upon principles that recognize the supremacy of God and the rule of law.’ This phrase underlines the importance of religious traditions to Canadian society and the dignity and worth of the human person.”

Ooh, Zeus and the gang are not gonna be pleased about this one.

I think the problem with government publications is that they white-wash everything. The (we can safely assume) exorbitant budget probably had earmarked a proofreader for every individual sentence. Two for the God parts. What that guarantees is that, having used this booklet as preparation for citizenship, newcomers are not in any way prepared for the reality of Canadian life. This isn’t the land of milk and maple syrup they thought it was. Well, kind of. Good organic milk too. But it’s more expensive than they thought it was.

Really, I think the government is doing landed immigrants a disservice. They should be a little more honest, get a little more brutal, tell them how things really are. I’m hardly qualified to talk about Canada as a whole, but I’m at the senior kindergarten level in municipal affairs so at least I can offer up some samples from that. Here then are a few excerpts from my proposed Toronto Citizenship Test Preparation Booklet™. Answers are included; there’s really no way to cheat.

• Question: What is the role of the Toronto City Council?
• Answer: To take your money.

• Question: What services are accessible through Metro Hall?
• Answer: I don’t know. I’ve been standing in the same spot in line for hours!

• Question: Name one of Toronto’s excellent metropolitan or regional transit services.
• Answer: Haha! Trick question! None of them are excellent; fair at best.

• Bonus Question: Who or what has the right of way on most Canadian roads and streets?
• Bonus Answer: A taxi. Always. Even on the sidewalk, and especially through reds.

As above, each question in the test prep booklet would be accompanied by a photo or nice drawing of some sort. That way the student has something pleasant to look at while they pretend to study. For the test, the prospective citizen and the interviewer would shoot the shit in a local coffee shop. If the guy / gal can carry on an interesting conversation and shows no leaning toward homicidal tendencies, well, welcome to Toronto! What else do you want, a handshake from the Queen?

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