Well, today’s his birthday, so that’s a good place to start. He turns 59 today, something to genuinely celebrate given the history of one of Toronto’s perennially peripheral figures.

Originally from England, in the early 80s Clarke suddenly found himself unemployed and decided to found the Ontario Coalition Against Poverty, a group both vilified and praised for standing up for, or claiming to stand up for, the city’s poor.

Clarke doesn’t mince words or shy away from controversy, often staging demonstrations, sit-ins, and occupations to drive his message. He’s had run-ins with cops, politicians, and even the media aren’t particularly fond of him. Basically, he’s not in it for the popularity.

Although he’s not homeless, Clarke somehow manages to raise a family of two kids and a wife on a budget that verges on poverty. Prior to 1986, Clarke’s biggest investment was a vehicle — a 1980 Lada.

Clarke doesn’t like the word Marxist and instead prefers to call himself a socialist. Personally, I think the title of bellicose advocate for the poor is probably more appropriate– it’s certainly been his raison d’être.

And at the end of the day, even if you disagree with Clarke or his methods, you have to admire the man’s tenacity and willingness to stand up for justice. If the world only had more men like that in it, we’d all be leading much better lives.

Happy birthday, John.

As I watched Diane Finlay’s (Human Resources Minister), announcement on EI reforms being pushed by the Harper regime, it became increasingly obvious that what they’re doing is pushing the corporate yoke on Canadians even further, and at the same pushing them into abject poverty and servitude.

It’s no exaggeration to say that with every announcement, every proposal, they demonstrate their complete subjugation to mega corporations and banks, and almost exclusively at the expense of you and me, the regular citizen.

The details revealed yesterday pretty much match the announcement made today, and it’s pretty terrifying what they’re putting into place. One of the major pieces of this is that Canadians will now be forced to take work that fits their skill set (paraphrased), and is within 70% to 80% of their average income.

So let’s say you were working an office job, or are in seasonal work, and find yourself laid off. You’ve been paying into the system (more money than you’ll ever be able to collect — heaven forbid YOU should benefit from your own labour!), and now need some assistance. The government will now require you to take a lower-paying job if it fits your skills (you can flip burgers, can’t you?), and is within 1 hour of your home (extra commuting doesn’t cost you any more, does it?).

Now you’ve got your lower-earning job, potentially farther away, and it doesn’t matter if you were living on the borderline of debt. So if you can’t make your monthly payments on your credit card or loan or whatever, you’re kinda fucked. Government says, “too bad”, it’s what you deserve for being laid off (if it’s in your control you get no benefits at all).

But it gets worse because your average income is now lower. While you may have been earning $60,000 last year, because of these changes you’re now earning $45,000 a year so your average income is now $52,500. Now if you’re laid off again (and I’m sure we’ll be seeing a dramatic increase in this — the government will see to it), you have to take a job that pays around $39,400.

Repeat this for a number of years and pretty soon the government will expect everyone to work for minimum wage. Typically it’ll take about 9 to 10 years to halve someone’s salary, especially if they’re dependent on seasonal work in provinces that have few other alternatives. And even in provinces that do, this is a great incentive to drop salaries — eventually, the government will force people to work for a pittance so why not?

Using that $60,000 per year example, that would take about 30 years. Here’s the math (note that each year we take the average pay):

Year 1 – $60,000 x 75% = $45,000
Year 2 – ($45,000 + $60,000) / 2 x 75% =  $52,500
Year 3 – ($45,750 + $ 52,500 + $60,000) / 3  x 75% = $39,362
Year 4 – ($39,362 + $45,750 + $ 52,500 + $60,000) / 4  x 75% = $37,052
Year 5 – ($37,052 + $39,362 + $45,750 + $ 52,500 + $60,000) / 5  x 75% = $35,199
Year 6 – ($35,199 + $37,052 + $39,362 + $45,750 + $ 52,500 + $60,000) / 6  x 75% = $33,732
Year 7 – ($33,732 + $35,199 + $37,052 + $39,362 + $45,750 + $ 52,500 + $60,000) / 7  x 75% = $32,527
…

Year 30 – $22,836

So after 30 years of service to the corporate economy, you can expect to be getting close to minimum wage (if unchanged from today).

This assumes, of course, that the average income is calculated since the beginning of this system. If the term is limited, say 5 years, the income shrinks more quickly. And what about those “penalties for repeat users”? That hasn’t been fleshed out but you can bet it’ll make the slippery slope down to serfdom even faster.

In any event, no part of this will benefit workers or their families unless they happen to luck out with generous companies (how realistic is that?).

In the meantime, we can likely expect the Harper government to bend over backwards for banks (who are already robbing us blind), and huge corporations who will undoubtedly benefit greatly from slave labour.

Warmest welcome once again, dear reader!

It’s so nice to have the pleasure of your company for another instalment of the Guide. I do hope that life has treated you kindly and that during the odd times when it hasn’t that you’ve had some opportunities to practice being practical. And, more importantly, that that practice has brought you some satisfaction.

In this edition I’d like to pull back from street level and look at a couple of larger forms of urban insolence: government and transit. It’s certainly not necessary to go into any sort of detail; insolence comes in many forms from both sides at this level, from new taxes to higher bus fares, and these are not necessarily local or even urban issues. In fact, as I hope you’ll find, the topics covered here have broader applications.

However, for the practical gentleman this poses a profound conundrum: does one take up arms and revolt against increasingly unjust overlords at great risk to oneself and one’s family, or does one resort to enjoyable but much less effective flaming paper bags (with surprise) left on doorsteps?

Alas, neither option seems agreeable, does it? On the one hand we must choose between radical criminal action, on the other classically amusing but ultimately ineffectual pranks. What’s the practical gentleman to do?

A great deal of wisdom has been scratched onto the walls of prisons as regards these matters, but please allow me to at least get the ball rolling:

The Continental

When one can’t be direct but wishes to nonetheless improve a situation, one must think outside the box. If more money is involuntarily leaving our pocket, more must come in to replenish it. It’s a simple balancing act. Thus, the practical gentleman takes his case directly to the people, bypassing the tight-fisted upper echelons altogether.

In this approach, we simply ask passersby to donate for charity, and I must stress strongly that this is not the same as asking for hand-outs. That would be most ungentlemanly and besides, this is an investment. To convince our fellows of this, however, we are required to present our case with a little more flair. Some call this marketing.

We simply invest in a nice colour print-out of the charity we’re representing, a nice binder to put it on the cover of, and a few hundred charitable donation “receipts” to give to anyone who requests them, to go in said binder. And a pen :) The charity is of course you, only jazzed up a bit; marketed better. Try some interesting twists on your name, combine it with a slogan, borrow a nice logo, but keep it all simple. For example, “The Patrick Fund – Fighting poverty at hom e and abroad”. The name must always be entirely truthful and you should always have a full explanation at the ready. In this case, it is a fund that is in my name and to be used to fight poverty in my home, possibly also to fight that woman I don’t much care for. With minor typographical errors.

For the logo, simply take an existing one from anything around you (using a cell phone camera, for example), and cut off everything but a quarter of the image. For simpler logos, like the Nike swoosh, you may have to use a half of the photo. Or, if cutting doesn’t produce satisfactory results, simply flip the image around horizontally or vertically. The McDonald’s golden arches easily become William’s golden catch basin — for money!

But, most importantly, you must add a prominent outline of the African continent on the logo (hence, “The Continental”). This lets people know you like geography. If you don’t, maybe now’s the time you gave it another try! People aren’t going to give their money to just any old schmuck on the street. Let them know how worldly you are, what a great investment you’ll be, why they should believe. Africa, the symbol of hope.

In this way you don’t hide behind any small print and your honesty and commitment to being upfront will shine through. The donations will come pouring in! At the end of the day you can go home satisfied that your fellow human beings have helped you because of a shared sense of civility. Take that, government!

The Convenient

Did you know that local businesses often provide instant financial support to anyone who strolls in through their front doors? It’s true. In most convenience stores, for example, often placed clearly and visibly in front of the cash register is the leave-a-penny take-a-penny bowl. Most store owners don’t contribute to it so they have no say in how it’s apportioned; it’s a social support system by the people, for the people. Including you.

Penny contributions can be made when pennies are abundant in your life. When they’re scarce, you can of course take. But be sure to do so a penny at a time, thus affording someone else the opportunity to take every alternate penny if they wish. A two-second wait period is customary unless no one else is in front of the counter with you.

The only drawback of the take-a-penny system is that some stores carry larger caches than others. I suggest carrying a strong bag (the pennies will get heavy!) and visiting as many shops as you can. Remember, those pennies already belong to you so you’re not required to make idle chit-chat with the shopkeeper. If they give you any trouble, simply threaten to call police. If this is not your style, you may instead opt to dress provocatively. Ladies will have an advantage over the gentlemen here, I’m afraid. Sorry fellas, we can’t win ‘em all.

The Economic

Many economic pundits have been putting forth the idea that being environmentally conscious and being profitable don’t necessarily have to be exclusive of each other. In fact, an amazing array of novel ideas is beginning to surface during these difficult financial times, many of them designed to produce environmental benefits, and many of those turning in tidy profits for anyone willing to put in some effort. The concept of carbon credits, for example, is ingenious but it hasn’t quite caught on yet. The problem is simply a dearth of mass adoption. This means that the market is still very much wide open … for anyone willing to roll up their sleeves and work for it.

Honest rewards for honest labour.

The further upshot of this is that the practical gentleman may rest well at night knowing that he’s earning an income from a noble pursuit, its influence continuing well into the future. The only requirement is a nice smile and a number of carbon credit certificates. There is no currently accepted standard for these – be creative, but keep the initial batch inexpensive. The idea is not to lose money here :)

Now the hard part: we go door to door selling carbon credits. There’s no trick here, you just have to shake hands, sip tea, and sell the hell outta that carbon!

Eventually, you may want to to invest in some fancy paper certificates — set yourself apart from the competition. Just work the cost into the price of the credits.

You can promise clients that each carbon credit they buy will be used to directly sequester a certain amount of green (in your pocket), ‘n house gasses. Not sure exactly what those gasses would be, but probably natural (this is a good, light-hearted jest to open the conversation with – and be sure to hug the potential client).

Of course, you must guarantee each and every certificate. Should the client ever wish to redeem it, you must exchange the credit for the appropriate amount of carbon. Although it’s difficult to get pure carbon, rough carbon (mixed with impurities) may be produced simply by burning something to ashes. This is your contractual obligation so you must honour the request within a reasonable time frame.

One of the biggest arguments against buying credits in this way is that (it is claimed) they are really used to prevent the environmental effects of burning stuff. Haha! What nuthouse did that escape from? If you buy a carbon credit, you should be able to exchange it for carbon. Who’s going to pay for not getting something? When the customer understands that this certificate is worth something, then it becomes a lot more valuable. Treat each buyer like the intelligent human being they are; logic will always wins the day ;)

You’ll have to do some research into going carbon credit prices but, since you probably won’t have any immediate competition in your neighbourhood, you may just be able to set whatever price you want. Just be sure not to price yourself out of the market! :D

I hope, dear reader, these points will help you through the tough times. They were inspired by a certain form of insolence, but their application turns out to be much broader. If the challenge was to think outside the box, hopefully that has been achieved. Certainly they are merely a spot from which to cast off, but hopefully they’ll chart a course to some pleasant tropical island with nice beaches, nice people, and nice drinks with little umbrellas in them. Even Mexico might be a nice escape.

Wishing you a bon voyage!