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How do you make the Toronto mayoral race interesting?

Well, I dunno if I have a definitive answer to that, but there’s a bunch of stuff you can do to prevent it from being less relevant.

I mean, the first televised debate earlier this week on local all-news CP24 was mangled pretty good. Judging by the reaction from the few remaining media outlets not owned by Rogers Communications, I wasn’t the only one underwhelmed by the ADD spectacle. This was made more acute by the fact CP24 is owned by Citytv which is owned by CTVglobemedia, a Rogers joint. I wouldn’t be surprised if Rogers already owns a controlling interest in Toronto City Life. Monopolistic issues aside, none of these organizations is exactly new to this type of thing, so their combined wisdom really should’ve produced something a bit more substantial.

Really, my biggest issue with the thing was that out of the twenty-six candidates currently running, CP24 invited only the six they thought were most worthy.

Okay okay, I wouldn’t invite some of these people to a public internet chat room let alone a televised debate, but some of them are viable candidates who are simply being ignored. Take Wendell Brereton, for example; a well-spoken, intelligent Regent Park Pastor and former police officer with a solid platform and an enthusiasm for this city’s future.

Some people have suggested that candidates like Wendell weren’t invited to the CP24 debate because their chances of being elected are slim, this based on their level of experience in municipal politics. If that’s the case then could someone explain how Sarah Thomson got a seat at the table? Nothing against her personally; she’s also got some good ideas, a vibrant personality, and she handled herself well in the debate, but I’m sure Wendell would’ve done just as well. If it was a matter of having the token female candidate present to level things out, wouldn’t a token black candidate have been a good inclusion as well?

There were also suggestions that candidates like Mr. Brereton weren’t doing enough to reach out to media in order to make themselves visible. I know from my own research that some of the mayoral wannabes really don’t seem to want to be found. But in the case of Wendell, and I suspect a few other candidates besides, this isn’t the case.

Newstalk 1010’s resident loudmouth Jerry Agar, after watching the debate, invited Wendell onto his talk show where they touched on the topic.

Jerry: “People in the media, me being one of them, we get accused sometimes of ignoring the supposed other candidates. But I’m talking to you, you’re a Pastor, you’re a former police officer, you’ve got this idea of above-ground rail like they have in Chicago, of a visitor road toll that might affect the 905 [Greater Toronto Area] but not 416 [Metro Toronto], and these are the kinds of the issues that some reporters, some talk show hosts, might hook into, wanna talk about. How come I’ve never heard from you? I mean, in the end is it your fault I didn’t talk about you before I decided on my own to talk to other candidates?”

Wendell: “No, I’m gonna blame you.” [both laugh] “We put up our web site, I think we have…”

Jerry: “I don’t have control of web sites. Why haven’t you sent me a press release on these ideas?

Wendell: “We have! We press release weekly, I’ve actually called your station…”

Jerry: “But you haven’t contacted me.”

Wendell: “No I haven’t contacted you directly … we’ve tried. We’ve done our best, we’ve contacted media. We’ve reached out but unfortunately, news is news. People want things that are newsworthy, the media want things that they consider to be newsworthy, and for some reason they did not consider us to be newsworthy. But we kept pushing…”

Look, TCL’s political research department at the moment is me. Our newsgathering budget is whatever lint I have in my pocket. My investigative journalistic experience extends to a summer I spent at the Scarborough Mirror writing ad copy. Yet, little old Toronto City Life not only knew about Wendell Brereton well over a month ago, but I linked to his site and even watched his campaign video. So my question is, what the fuck is everyone else’s excuse? Sorry, Jerry … I love your station and your show, but that’s pathetic.

Aside from the fact that air time is allotted mostly to people hocking new movies, useless pet products, and other shit that is in no way news, CP24 and it’s parent stations suffer from a few other problems that were blatantly obvious during the debate.

To begin with, why CP24? Why choose a station where the debate is stuck into about a quarter of the screen (before any extra graphics are added to squeeze the real estate even more), surrounded by weather reports, stock market tickers (really? the majority of people really need this info?), and banner ads for junk removal services?

Citytv, CP24’s parent station, broadcasts full screen and is about as downtown Toronto as it gets. They seem unwilling, however, to preempt The Bachelor or whatever fluffy piece of crap they happen to be showing at that time.

Then there’s the format.

CP24 had Ben Mulroney on constant standby as they cut away from the debate for pointless commentary and insightless analysis with random passer-bys. Maybe they were thinking that with his dad being the former Prime Minister, Benny might be well-suited for the role. Except that he’s spent most of his broadcast career hosting award shows and waxing mundane on various Hollywood starlets’ pantiless excursions. And Benedict Martin Paul Mulroney is a snooze at that, kind of like a well-groomed rock — if he simply exists on camera, says nothing, does nothing, the show is about as exciting as otherwise.

The one redeeming quality about this whole thing is that it’s only the first of six televised debates, so they’ll have another five chances to get it right. You know, get hosts that at least seem to know something about municipal politics, maybe do a Google search to see if there are more than six candidates running, pretend like they’re professional news organizations — that kinda thing.

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I got so wrapped up in it I completely forgot to write a post. That’ll happen, I’m afraid. Flash is a demanding mistress. So that’s what I did yesterday. All day. That flippy TwitPic image thingamahooie you see above is my post for Monday. If you’re reading this after March 23rd, or you’re not on the front page, that probably doesn’t make much sense. (Maybe if you visited more often :( )

Good day for indoor stuff anyhow. And today’s much the same. But you know what? I’m absolutely certain that spring officially started today, regardless of what any calendar says: they’re shooting something again.

Hmm. The notice looks strikingly familiar. The three-ring holes, the bright colour. The “we’re taking over your street”.

To be honest, I honestly don’t believe I’ve seen anything they’ve shot here. Doesn’t sound like the kind of stuff I’d watch anyway. “Lost Girl”, lost me at “Lost”.

However, I did get to watch the crew work. Seems like a pretty sweet gig. They begin by standing around, drinking coffee, and shooting the shit:

This goes on for some time. Okay, it’s still early (no idea why I was up), so that’s necessary.

Then they tarp over the lights, fans, and racks of stuff I couldn’t possibly identify, and haul them over to the location. After that, run the cables back to the trucks:

Then more standing around.

Took them all of an hour. They’re probably part of a bloodthirsty union so you know they’re being treated well.

But there’s something that the above photos give away – they were taken from my flat. Had the space heater going to warm my delicate fingers and I didn’t have to lift anything. Then right back inside for some Dao Sa buns and a glass of soy bean milk. Filthy habits I picked up on my travels — but I get to indulge. No union dues either. I’ll worry about rent when the cops are dragging me out of here.

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The Citytv crew made a big to-do about how the station would now be in the actual heart of the city. They’re probably right, but I suspect they just wanted to be closer to my place. Either way, it was a wise decision.

The move has been in the works for about two years. Gord Martineau, Citytv’s sneering six o’clock news anchor, has pitilessly plugged his involvement in the move stating that he was the one who brought up the idea with boss Ted Rogers, the guy who owns every co-ax cable in Toronto (and then some).

The building itself was an Olympics-themed tourist attraction for a couple of years, hence the big cone-torch thingie at the top. Aside from the pleasantly phallic symbolism (granted, a horribly deformed phallus), the building also forms an interesting arch over the intersection of Victoria and Dundas. Streetcar tracks go through the arch but there are no open power lines, probably because the construction workers were afraid of electrocution. Babies. Anyway, I’m certain that once they open it up it’ll make for a great place to throw back a couple of swigs of paper-bagged hooch, away from scornful eyes.

But Gord’s masturbatory visions weren’t the only things making headlines on Tuesday. U. of T. and York U. put their first-year students through the wash for the first day of frosh week:

All the noobs were baptized in the waters of City Hall with a ritual involving a Kindergarten-style initiation. A girl on a megaphone shouted out some rhyming instructions with all the students acting out the directions while repeating what she said. The Universities were only mentioned a couple of times during the chanting; they spent more time pretending to be alligators, crabs, and sleeping monkeys. Hurray for our future workforce!

What a time to lose my internet connection! And with TIFF coming up ‘n all:

Couldn’t have come at a worse time. Despite George Clooney and I being best buds, I doubt he’ll postpone his arrival for my technical difficulties.  I bet he’s disappointed.

Sorry, George. You’ll have to takeit up with my ISP. I tried and I guess I’m just not famous enough.

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Unfortunately, they were also on an ad break, but one that made me want to stay and watch further.

It was composed of these strange little mini commercials that ran for only about ten seconds and featured relatively obscure products.

The first was for Perspirex, an industrial-strength antiperspirant,  “Available at Shoppers Drug Mart“. It features an attractively nondescript young lady in a green top out on a date with…? She reaches for a flirty lock of her hair through which to run her fingers when she spots a big ole’ pitter soaking her shirt. Smile of delight one instant, dropped jaw of disbelief the next.

Bam! Perspirex gets rid of that wetness and smell. Lady’s happy and she’s now letting the whole room get a good gander at her moisture-free underarms. Available at Shoppers Drug Mart.

Yep. If that sounded a bit awkward, imagine what the commercial was like.

Next one: “As a model, I can’t be seen with embarrassing bumps on my bikini line.” Swimsuit model at a photo shoot, at times strangely aware of the TV audience watching her. Shot of smooth crotch in frilly lingerie.

Bikini Zone Cream: Stop Bikini Area Irritation Fast

…more sundry crotch shots, all with nary an imperfection.

Like I said, these commercials are really short. There isn’t even enough time to write complete sentences to describe them.

Sudden cut to three ladies’ legs on a sidewalk, one wearing galoshes and the two flanking her in strappy heels. Seems the poor girl’s hiding her feet in them big old boots ‘cuz she has an issue with dry, cracked feet. Well, dontcha know that Flexitol Heel Balm will fix that right up!

Now our girl’s just disembarked from a city bus and she’s in heels, smiling and pointing to her attractive new foot, as we are all wont to do.

Well, now wasn’t that something?

They were clearly targeting the ladies. Every commerciallette featured women exclusively. One of the products, the bump creme, seemed particularly unsuitable for most men. I guess, also, the “bikini” part of the product seemed somewhat feminine.

Okay, so they want women to use these products; women who must have fairly extreme sweat problems, itchy crotches, and abrasive, possibly bleeding feet.

The ads are just too similar, short, and tightly cut. What should have been three ads became one perturbing ad targeting a clientele with some disturbing medical conditions. Alone, each symptom is trivial, but together…forget about dinner and lingerie modeling; get your ass to a doctor, pronto!

Or maybe I shouldn’t think that deeply into it.

Wait. Isn’t that what they did at the ad agency that created this TV spot?

Available at Shoppers Drug Mart.

—

Sponsored links:

natural skincare

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Aside from the doily on top, I’m sure they chose this house because of its age.  It’s probably the oldest on the block, though there are numerous contenders for that honour in the neighbourhood.

My own apartment building is an old-style house not unlike the one pictured here, only wider (to accommodate ten apartments), and minus the personality.

It’s, let’s say, quaint. It feels warm and comfortable like my previous residence in rural Pickering in the same way that an old sock does. That smell of feet never really airs out and it’s drafty around the toes, but man it’s comfortable.

In the context of my neighbourhood, I think that my place is probably mid-range (price, size, etc.) A tall apartment building directly to the left of the “Bridge” house would be best described by the words “swollen” and “hovel”. If I were an upwardly-mobile young crack whore, I’d be setting my sights here. A little paint, some vacuuming, and that stank of bitter, life-ending self loathing comes right out.

But there are also places with “ROB THIS HOUSE” posted on every inch of the property; multi-million dollar reno jobs spilling over with gaudy fountains, ostentatious statuary, and semi-circular driveways on properties not more than eight meters (twenty-six feet) wide. They’re clearly just for show. Or clown cars.

Stuck between Casa di Rockbottom and the House of Betterthanyou are numerous alleys where the destitute make their home. Here, property boundaries are divided into areas for disposed bottle caps, areas for disposed Listerine bottles to which those caps belonged, and areas for inebriated homeless guys with sparklingly fresh breath who had recently consumed said bottles of Listerine.

I’m telling you, my neighbourhood’s a panoply of colour!

Unfortunately, the drafty window in my bedroom played a part in my decision to start looking for a new place. Well, that and the fact that the German superintendent is leaving soon. Who knew Germans could be so non-genocidal?

Now, I haven’t actually started looking so the ultimate decision about whether or not to move isn’t available. But I thought, if I’m out there looking through other peoples’ places; going through their medicine cabinets; stealing anything I may enjoy on my own shelves; why not take the readers of TCL along?

If you’re thinking of moving to urban Toronto or just enjoy descriptions of interesting smells, perhaps you may get something out of the series. It won’t be regular or anything, but I will try my damnedest to divulge the disturbing/kinky/amusing secrets of the places I visit.

I feel like I’ve discovered a bewitching new world right where my TV monitor used to be. In the same sense as car crashes or deformed kittens are so damn compelling, local access cable offers a dizzying variety of shows that make looking away impossible.

I just want to point out, right up front, that this is neither moaning, bitching, nor complaining. I watch enough dreck that tries to pass itself off as entertainment that, production values aside, local cable is a comparative gleaming jewel.

I mean, there’s absolutely no pretense here.  These folks know that their audience is extremely limited so their shows have a real laissez-faire atmosphere. During weekdays, some of these shows must skim dangerously low over the ratings plains. The effort matches the budget, matches the content, [unfairly] matches audience numbers.

Yet, despite these seeming obstacles, we find encapsulated in each frozen frame a vast, endless realm of entertainment. Kind of like a heavy acid trip.

Take this screencap of late night with The Canadian Shopping Channel. Unfortunately I managed to miss the frame in which the announcer’s finger aided in relativizing the scale of the merchandise, but hopefully you’ll trust me when I tell you that this is an old Canadian ten-dollar bill.

Have a good look; let the ambiance of it set in.

Now we can begin an organized, scholarly analysis.

First, we come to the obvious motif; perhaps a bit antiquated, but many people would still recognize good old Hermes up front, caduceus held jauntily close to his jibblies, vanguard of the modern transportation age.

According to the announcer, behind the Winged Messenger (at his feet), lies a globe symbolizing “Canada’s prominence in global transportation.”

The prominence of Central America, whose strangely emaciated shores stand front and center on the globe, is the only feature I can pick out. The U.S. is tucked safely behind Hermes’ calf  so calling it “prominent” would be somewhat of a misnomer; casting Canada as “prominent” in this scene, slung somewhere toward the back of the globe, is a happy irony. The Royal Mint was apparently real easy with double entendres in the thirties.

The next item that the presenter pointed out was the strange, hat-like shape just to the right of Hermes in the sky (you’ll need to view the larger version of the image for this). In this spot, the aforementioned finger was pointing to the newest,  choice form of Canadian international travel: the airplane. Maybe the face of the bill is faded (!) or maybe the detail is smaller than I expected, but all I see an airborne snot rag. Maybe it’s an U.F.O., or maybe more commentary by our boys at the Mint.

Delightful!

So, okay, we have a couple of relatively minor graphical things that may have simply been interpreted wrong by the  announcer. They do chip away at my credulity and would make me think twice before parting with nearly a grand, but let’s not dwell on this. Especially since there is so much more to discover!

Next I wanted to turn our attention to the artistic merits of the bank note as a whole. What, exactly, is it that makes it look a little strange (subject matter aside)? It’s quite simple. Notice the ships at the left side; they’re resting at a proper angle on top of the water. The vanishing point,   a point in the image where all perspective lines converge, is somewhere in the center of the picture. The ships’ lines correctly radiate out from this point, giving the viewer the impression that the ships are real, three-dimensional objects.

The right half of the centerpiece, however, appears to have tossed out this convention in favour of a train track where the vanishing point would force the locomotive to drive deep into the ground. The cow-catcher would be sadly obsolete, but that would be the least of our worries in such a reality.

Assuming the whole set has about seven bills in it ($1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50, and $100), that would make the cost roughly $128 a pop. That, to me, is excessive for a bill where the details are poorly preserved (assuming they’re there), and where highschool art class concepts are discarded for seemingly no good reason.

But that’s all aesthetic, right? To each his own and all that. Besides, the art on legal tender is not within the presenter’s control, so let’s zoom out to a more macro-level view and look at the other features of the program that really make it stand out. Why not start with the obvious?

I had more than a passing fancy in Numismatics so I know at least a touch about bill and coin collecting. Let’s assume you don’t have an introduction in this field. Regardless of how much you may or may not know, you’d think it would be safe to assume that the items being sold on “The Coin Show” would be coins. Not so.

Moving on, the toll-free number in the corner was surely the invention of some rebellious marketeers.  Here they’ve shunned the one-three-three-four digit combination pattern for a startling one-three-four-three sequence.

Outrageous!

A bit of hyperbole, I know, but you have to admit something there feels wrong. The numbers are grouped in mnemonic sets, which I suppose makes sense, but they’re just begging to be misread and mis-dialed. And why not? The pink “Shop” logo in the other corner indicates the target audience; mostly women and mostly, I suspect,  middle-aged. That often means glasses which are intended specifically to prevent the misreading of oddly-grouped and small-fonted  information.

At this point you’re probably thinking, “You know, Patrick, this sounds an awful lot like whining, bitching, and possibly complaining.” Well, you’re wrong.

These things I point out are the things that keep me so enthralled with local cable. I chose only one, and in hindsight, somewhat weak example from the pseudo-local Shopping Channel. Had I been tuned to Rogers Cable 10, I would have been treated to an expansive, multi-layered array of brilliant programming such as Toronto’s Talent, Sex @ 11, and GTHL Minor Midget Hockey.

These programs are something that the big networks with their budgets, polished scripts, and personable hosts can never hope to approach. It’s precisely the awful, poorly scripted and ultra-low budget shows that local channels carry that makes them so enjoyable.

Pulling comparisons between major network shows and those found on local access TV is mostly an apples-and-oranges affair. As I pointed out at the beginning, if you’re not willing to crack a smile when they’re on (especially the “serious” ones), you are going to suffer some form of brain damage.  However, if you’re able to check your presumptions at the door and just enjoy shows as the  genuine entertainment that they are, I’m sure you’ll find that local access television in Toronto is the bee’s knees. It’ll help while reading TCL too.