I write like a girl

Posted on May 5th, 2009 Won't you help brighten a lonely comment's day?

As you can see, I finally got around to taking that headshot. That scar on my forehead came from a disagreement I had with a door hinge when I was about six. I bled profusely, my mom freaked, and a smirk was born.

Aside from basking in my benevolent gaze, there was something else that I thought the readers of TCL might get to learn about me.

When I started this blog I was reading a fantastic book named “The Sound on the Page” by Ben Yagoda which, aside from helping me to craft the flowery prose that blesses every electron of this page, introduced me to a variety of writing analysis methods that I found very interesting.

The one that stands out in my mind is the classification of writing as either male or female based on certain words that each gender is (purportedly), prone to using. For example, reflective words such as “like”, “think”, and “feel” are considered predominantly female while action words like “do”, “make”, and “beer” are predominantly male. I could be off on a couple but you get the idea: women are all passively touchy-feely and men are mostly self-assured brutes.

It was therefore inevitable that this theory would find its way online, along with all sorts of other interesting writing analysis tools.

Here’s the main site with all the toys: http://uclassify.com/
For a friendlier page with just the gender analysis tool: http://www.genderanalyzer.com/

I started off with a baseline reading, some random blogs from the directory where the author’s gender and disposition are well known. Here are the picks and their stats:

Subject: Joey deVilla
Known gender: Male
General disposition: Jolly
Site: http://www.joeydevilla.com/
Random article sampling:
http://www.joeydevilla.com/2009/05/05/kiss-off/
http://www.joeydevilla.com/2009/05/05/quiero-que-me-quieras-the-most-awesome-accordion-cover-ever/
http://www.joeydevilla.com/2009/05/05/smooch/

Gender analyzer detected gender: Male (3 out of 3 times)
uClassify mood detected: Happy (3 out of 3 times)

Subject: Teena
Known gender: Female
General disposition: Mirthful
Site: http://www.purple4mee.com/
Random article sampling:
http://www.purple4mee.com/2009/05/ask-tricia-hot-names-can-die-out-in.html
http://www.purple4mee.com/2009/05/heroes-were-ruff-around-edges.html
http://www.purple4mee.com/2009/05/does-this-lipgloss-really-quell-your.html

Gender analyzer detected gender: Female (2.5 out of 3 times – one was pretty ambiguous)
uClassify mood detected: Happy (3 out of 3 times)

So far the analyzers seem to be quite accurate.

self-portrait_60Subject: Patrick
Known gender: Male
General disposition: Nonplussed
Site: Apple, intestines, and pinchy bum hole: @&* – What else was I supposed to put here? You know my address!
Random article sampling:
http://www.torontocitylife.com/2009/05/04/the-folly-of-dick/
http://www.torontocitylife.com/2009/05/01/interesting-smells/
http://www.torontocitylife.com/2009/04/30/fluffy-pornographic-thoughts/

Gender analyzer detected gender: Female (2 out of 3 times – one was eunuch)
uClassify mood detected: Mostly angry (2 out of 3 times)

I always knew I was a lesbian trapped in a man’s body; I never knew I was so pissed off.

Well, there you have it. Now you can identify me on Queen Street to the CAMH people and even describe my symptoms.

It was probably that bash on the head.

One Comment on “ I write like a girl ”

  • Elliott
    May 8th, 2009 4:08 pm

    Nice piece Patrick and your profile pic is great. Don't worry about linking to me until this bitch goes national.


    Read more from Elliott at: http://bigellsblog@blogspot.com

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