You remember Senator Anthony Wiener, right? Sure you do! He’s the guy that tweeted pictures of his junk to a few women, presumably in the hope that he’d be able to hook up with them, and ended up being front page fodder as a result. If you’ll recall, the revelations surrounding his conduct made more than a few headlines and it was really only yesterday that he finally decided to resign, putting that tidbit on most newspapers’ back burners.

Well, if you they thought that was explosive, wait’ll they get a load of Parkergate!

That’s right … Parkergate; just like Wienergate but this time involving a local Toronto politician, John Parker. Well, just like Wienergate, except there was no (visibly) erect penis involved, just the tweet that Parker was surrounded by “hot chicks” while attending a recent plaque unveiling ceremony. Here’s the disgustingly full transcript (you might want to have your kids to leave the room now):

Delighted and honoured to help unveil eight new Toronto heritage plaques and meet hot chicks in the bargain. I love my job.

Can you believe that shit? “Hot chicks”?! What the fuckety fuck?!

The outrage was immediate and palpable. Here’s just a small sampling of the ensuing backlash:

The tweet was erased despite his initial refusal to apologize. Parker, known for his light-hearted tweets, blamed the media for making city hall a place where fun won’t be tolerated.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/06/21/john-parker-hot-chicks-tweet548.html

The insolence!

Although the event went off without a hitch, the councillor made waves later in the day when he expressed his view of the overall event on the popular social networking tool Twitter.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/06/20/toronto-politician-tweets.html

The gall!

Pulled out of a meeting at his City Hall office, Parker said the focus should be on the eight plaques unveiled Monday to honour Torontonians, not something he posted on Twitter.

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/06/20/councillor-tweets-about–hot-chicks

Bastard!

Heritage Toronto communications director Rebecca Carson said, with a laugh, that she believed she was one of the “hot chicks” in question. She said Heritage executive director Karen Carter might have been another.

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1011996–heritage-employee-surprised-by-councillor-s-hot-chicks-tweet

Sickening!

Parker (Ward 26, Don Valley West) said the constituents who have contacted him about the flap have been supportive.

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1012552–parker-apologizes-for-offending-with-hot-chicks-tweet

Go back to Nazi Germany!

The Don Valley West councillor noted the number of people following his Twitter account has gone up in the wake of the story.

http://www.torontosun.com/2011/06/21/councillor-apologizes-for-hot-chicks-tweet

Scum-sucking troglodyte!

When does a Tweet cross the line? When it involves “hot chicks” and a city councillor.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/toronto/rob-ford-asks-parker-to-apologize-for-tweet/article2068241/

Arrrrrggggh!!!!! *running out of the room screaming*

Well, thankfully our mayor stood up and took offense right away, calling on Parker to apologize. I couldn’t actually find anyone else that was publicly offended but that’s probably because of the extreme trauma that’s been inflicted on them. I also couldn’t find a reference to who the “hot chicks” were, but obviously…

…ahhh, I can’t do this anymore. It’s soooooooo stupid! The reason I couldn’t find the offended parties is because, for all intents and purposes, they don’t exist. The various women interviewed for articles expressed, at most, surprise, but not much else. Seriously, even if they took offense, who among them would step forward to positively identify themselves as the “hot chicks” in that tweet? Only Rob Ford, it seems. And since he wasn’t there, I can only assume he took exception to not being included in that group. Well, sorry, Rob … maybe if you manicured your bikini line now and again.

John sums this up best: “I think I’ll be aware of the hazards of slow news days.”

Yup.

This week the pre-election ritual of reviewing councillors’ salaries began in earnest. Prior to this election the issue, like the trillium, blossomed every three years but now with a four- year term this ugly plant has morphed into a weed that always bears bitter fruit. Councillors will predictably fall all over themselves to prove to the electorate how frugal they are. They will disparage the expectations of their colleagues and publicly slash their wrists in an effort to out humble each other.

Oh my gosh. :D Then at the end of this Toronto City Council motion it ends by saying that the Toronto Star’s Editorial Board bears great wisdom when it comes to giving people raises and why not use them since they’re “are always eager to give advice about this weighty subject”? Yours truly, Councillor Howard Moscoe.

Gotta thank Newstalk 1010 for this one.

Attention: Councillor Kyle Rae,

Sir,

With all due respect, you’re a jerk. I’ve enclosed a reduced photo of you to demonstrate this fact. To you.

I wake up to Bill Carroll on CFRB every morning. I could wake up to The Edge or CHIN but I don’t. Do you know why? Because I don’t necessarily enjoy the music. Or understand the words.  But not because I think that the audience are skanks! Or whatever it is that you were implying:

“And the cruel vengeance of fate is he has to talk to the listeners of CFRB.”

I understand that you and Mr. Tory, to whom you were referring, may have had some political encounters in the past. However, your trysts had nothing to do with me or CFRB’s audience. Spiteful public jealousy does not behoove a politician, sir. And if you have a problem with John talking to us, take it up with him!

Disregards,
Patrick

Dear Bill Carroll,

Sir,

With all due respect, oh no! I can’t believe they’re moving you to 9 a.m. I mean, great that you get to wake up later and have a longer time slot, but I’m not sure about this John Moore fellow that’s replacing you. (I’ve enclosed a photo of him looking rather menacing — he says he doesn’t like cats!)

I hope he can muster the same incensed outbursts at, well, anything like you can. I doubt he’ll be able to evoke the same enraged, torch-bearing, city-razing rabble that your rants do during my struggle with consciousness.

Will he be able to adopt the same seething indignation at even the most inane topics like you, Mr. Carroll?  And I hope you take this as the compliment it is, but your hair-trigger City Hall temper is awe-inspiring. Sir, you are a champion. I would name my cat after you but Oliver Carroll sounds too Dickensian.

Perhaps one day, when this nutty day job of mine is behind me, I can set set my alarm to nine o’clock and wake up refreshed and angry like I used to. Until then, I’ll wearily hold your memory in a petulant little piece of my heart.

Blubberingly,
Patrick

Dear Tess Kalinowski,

Madam,

With all due respect, what the hell?! I was ready with that Toronto subway post a couple of days ago; where were you?! I thought we were supposed to put them both up at the same time. You know, cross-promotion; I link to your story and you link to mine. That was the plan.

But no, I guess your story on the new Sheppard West subway station design was more important.

It could have been so poignant, your spanky new airport terminal of a station against my musty old Bloor-Danforth ones. Mix in a couple of the Transit Commission’s screw-ups like the new transit maps with all the errors, and the under-priced monthly pass that’s losing them money, and we could’ve caused a tidal wave in the media! Think of the brouhaha that this would’ve started. We could’ve singlehandedly taken down the entire Commission!

Now we’ve lost our window of opportunity. It’s best if you disavow any knowledge of me. Pity you chose the route you took; you’ll always be just a transportation reporter.

Regretfully,
Patrick

I met my superintendent outside my building as I was coming home yesterday and, I dunno if I mentioned this already but, he’s going to be leaving soon. We got to talking about what he’d be doing once he left and, despite the fact that he’s pushing seventy, he’s still lugging paint cans around and mowing the lawn with one of those mechanical push mowers. It’s amazing when you think about it – and even when you don’t; by that age I’ll be lucky if I’m breathing on my own let alone doing yard work. In fact, I’m already planning my daily diaper soiling regimen now; “plan ahead” is my motto.

What struck me as even more amazing was the fact that his girlfriend (considerably younger than he is), dropped by my place with an Austrian beer and an offer for me to take over as superintendent. Me! Can you imagine?! –* sip

I said I’d think about it. And then I thought about it.

On day one I’d be fishing snakes out of the pipes. I don’t know how they’d get there, who they’d belong to, or even why they’d all be venomous, but I just know it would happen.

“I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes in this motherfuckin’ drain!”

Day two would involve a fire.

There would be no day three.

No, I don’t think I’m cut out for that job. Also, having everyone’s keys readily available would be too much temptation.

Jobs like that should go to someone like this:

This is Pam McConnell. She’s the city councillor for ward 28, of which I am apparently a member. In this ward, the Gardiner is named a little differently, and council gets the job done! Just read between the halftone.

I know I’m going straight to hell for stating the following and, although I don’t intend to be mean, it’s also out in plain sight.

To begin with, I’m sure that Pam’s days on the dating circuit are probably over. I suspect she’s married and she’s probably on top in the bedroom – she da boss! Her clothes scream full-figured comfort and looking at her face always imbues me with a sense of motherly warmth.

In other words, Pam got to where she is through intelligence and insight, not through looks or a bitchin’ beehind. I suppose she could have connections but if she’s in any way tied up in shady dealings, that’s even cooler.

Pam puts out a quarterly newsletter which she crams full of the major photo-ops of the past few months. Here is a sampling:

She really is cute, isn’t she?

And look at all the shit she’s accomplishing. I mean, Regent Park used to be a scary place, but there’s a lot of community involvement and genuine re-building going on there. That little woman’s out there kicking asses and taking names.

I really hope that one day I catch her somewhere around St. Lawrence Market and persuade her to let me snap a picture of us together. Perhaps shaking hands, perhaps not; I don’t know if I’ll be able to contain myself. I’m already giddy!

I guess it’s just because she’s the kind of politician one could get behind, you know what I mean?

No, not in that way, even though that would be a great picture!