The Great Umbrella Massacre of 2010
Posted on
March 15th, 2010by Patrick – 10 great comments. Room for one more!
What a weekend, dear reader. And I don’t mean that in a good way. It’ll have to be written into the history books as The Great Umbrella Massacre of 2010.
My own, newly purchased brolly barely withstood a day before snapping. I won’t have to put it down just yet, but it’s limping, and that kind of umbrella doesn’t have long. Still, it fared better than some of it’s brothers and sisters.
I should warn you now, if you have a weak stomach for this sort of thing, you may want to look away.
I guess this is the time of year when spring starts to wrestle with winter. March is usually described as some kind of awful lamby-lion hybrid, it’s recessive and dominant genes leaving a trail of destruction in their path as they duke it out across the city. I’d say that this is an accurate description.
Naturally, I didn’t venture out much. But I did at least get to survey some of the carnage afterward; and I was mortified at what I saw:
To be cast off so ingloriously, what a horrible waste. And the indignities didn’t stop there; umbrellas littered the streets for some time afterward, even as the winds were subsiding and life was returning to normal:
The M.U. should be ashamed.
But, to be honest, I was little more ambivalent about other situations. Those were the ones in which umbrellas were so severely punished that they ended up being, well, irretrievable:
That umbrella is now only useful as a multi-marshmallow roaster, and there aren’t many campfires around the city, so that poor thing’s pretty much done. GOD!! rest it’s soul.
I don’t know this man’s name. I’m afraid to ask. He stands kitty-corner from Yonge-Dundas Square and his modus operandi is to stand perfectly still like that (the open “Venus Fly Trap” position), until some poor soul buzzes too close, at which point he snaps and screams, “GOD!! (something something something)”. That “(something something something)”, I don’t think anyone’s ever caught, as the typical reaction is to jerk away from him with a startled, “Jesus!!”. Perhaps that’s his intended reaction. Maybe someone’s filming :)
Not my kind of solace anyhout.
Besides, the umbrella carcasses are mostly gone now so I don’t have to think about them. At least until next time.
... with pictures
... with sounds
... with videos
... with opinions
... that's shorter
... that's longer
March 16th, 2010 11:46 am
Great pics – that man is easily my favourite part of Dundas Square!
March 16th, 2010 5:57 pm
Thanks, Kate :) I admit, I like him too. At a distance.
March 16th, 2010 11:52 am
That guy's great. He used to have a growth on the side of his neck the size of a softball. Its gone now, either by divine or medical intervention, but either way it hasn't shaken his faith.
March 16th, 2010 6:09 pm
Maybe his shouting helped, benigner — possibly it was a tension goiter of some sort. I find screaming to be stress-relieving myself :)
March 16th, 2010 12:06 pm
"BELIEVE in the Lord!!!!!!!!!"
March 16th, 2010 6:14 pm
Thanks for that, Sarah. I believe he does switch it up from time to time. Just when you start to feel safe…
March 16th, 2010 12:17 pm
Mine made it… but barely. There were a couple times where I folded it up and just braved the rain
March 16th, 2010 6:25 pm
No doubt, Meg. At times there really wasn't much of a choice — lose your umbrella or lose your arm. See, that's why I enjoy my precipitation as snow. For rain, it needs to be warm; this is just unpleasant.
March 19th, 2010 1:52 pm
That was definitely some storm. My bedroom is in the attic of a very old house. I was convinced the roof would be pulled off and I would no longer be in Kansas anymore.
RIP poor umbrellas.
P.S. That GOD!! guy scared me once!@!! A-hole!
March 20th, 2010 5:25 am
I guess that's the price we pay for the sunshine, Kato. Except for that God guy — hasn't brightened up my day yet. Well, no, when he causes other people to jump it's mildly amusing, but otherwise I agree. Jerkhole #1 at that corner.