How not to eat infants in a civilized manner, part 2

Posted on October 27th, 2009 16 great comments. Room for one more!

After reading yesterday’s post about the harrowing zombie situation in Toronto, you’re probably eager to discover how I escaped completely unscathed. After all, researchers have used zombie scenarios to predict the spread of H1N1, so I believe this information will be quite relevant even after the zombies have retired.

So where did I leave off yesterday? Oh yes, the zombies had me surrounded and I’d run out of people to toss in their path. The situation was getting really ugly:

no sense of personal hygiene

The great discovery happened when I pulled out my camera and started to take photos. I figured I could record my final few moments for TCL; become the first post-mortem blogger — I believe that would make for interesting content. But it wasn’t to be.

You see, it seems that zombies actually like to have their photos taken. Anyone in the crowd who happened to be brandishing a camera was given a wide berth and, often, cooperative smiles (or menacing grimaces – whatever the scene called for):

easy street, fellas!

And I feel that branding them all as brain-hungry murderers really isn’t representative of the zombie population. Being undead, apparently, isn’t enough to stave off the requirements of the workaday world, but the zombies seemed to take it all in stride. If it wasn’t for the homicidal tendency of ingesting live human brains, they’d probably make decent citizens.

cant txt. ded.

Haha! *insert social commentary here*

Speaking of commentary, who’s tailing the wag here?

leaving behind little zombie turds

That’s a little slice of a-okay, isn’t it? :D

Basically, there was a very good chance that most of the non-zombie participants in the walk would have made it out had I not panicked. But like the army used to say, “gullibility costs lives”, which would’ve been especially poignant had I actually said it to someone before pushing them into the flesh-eating crowd. Or if that were a real army slogan. Or if it applied in any way.

all with clearly identifiable roles from their past lives

“Hmmm. No, you may not hide behind me and my camera. Go buy your own protective gear, cheap-ass!” *shove*

I did what I had to do to survive.

a zombie spock! haha! spock was a caucasian, dummy!

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that unprovoked, the zombies really just want to walk around complaining loudly about a lack of dietary cerebellum. That’s pretty much it. Only if you shove people into the throng will you get a reaction.

But, you know, I did what I had to do to survive. I’m not saying I’m proud of it.

Haha! Watching people turn into zombies is awesome though! The first symptom of zombiedom is a total loss of memory. Well, yeah. No brain!

“That’s right, fella, you’re with the rest of them! Yeah, good brains to you too!”


And now I move in style :D

definitely worth a few bystanders!

And sometimes you just need to direct the zombie’s attention away just because it’s kinda gross. Take the next gal (“that’s a girl in there?!”, someone exclaimed), for example:

i ... didn't ask

Yeah, the “hands” are pretty creepy, and then there’s the chicken on the head. No thanks. Shove a sacrifice thataway and the zombie follows. It’s all about keeping it simple, effective, to the point. And grabbing the wallet before she gets her highly impractical “hands” on him.

Anyhow, the denouement of this story is a bit of a snooze so I won’t bore you with it. Needless to say, camera and hapless strangers helped to ease the journey until I eventually found myself outside the pack, and stumbled wearily back home.

But I don’t want to leave you with a totally bad impression; the undead population includes some interesting personalities so at least one of them was bound to show up at some point:

zombie jesus is risen. rejoice!

There you have it, a Halloween tale to scare the pants off your friends. The attractive ones. And for that extra depantsing kick, you can tell them that most of it really happened! And for a small fee, I can even corroborate your presence in this tightly-woven, explosive narrative. That’s guaranteed pantlessness!

You know how to get a hold of me.

16 Comments on “ How not to eat infants in a civilized manner, part 2 ”

  • wngl
    October 28th, 2009 10:09 am

    "slice of life" -brilliant!

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  • Patrick
    October 28th, 2009 4:46 pm

    Yes it is, wngl. :)

  • RE - EntrePOD
    October 28th, 2009 11:41 am

    whoooooooooo haaaa ! Hillarious Pics

    I'm suprised you missed working in a reference to my

    fav Frank Zappa Classic tune "Zombie Hummm"

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  • Patrick
    October 28th, 2009 4:47 pm

    Hmmm, I don't think I know this Frank Zappa you're referring to, BadGal. Is he a politician?

  • Slimma
    October 28th, 2009 12:38 pm

    Fantastic. I think we need one of those in Edinburgh. No hang on, we have zombies…they hang out in our Parliament!

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  • Patrick
    October 28th, 2009 4:48 pm

    Haha! Right, like Frank Zappa. I agree, Slimma.

  • Jodi
    October 28th, 2009 1:42 pm

    Lol. Looks like a lot of fun!


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  • Patrick
    October 28th, 2009 4:48 pm

    That's Frank Zappa for you, Jodi :D

  • Dave DeWall
    October 28th, 2009 7:16 pm

    I am glad I am an American expat about 7000 miles away from all of this as I am on the edge of a jungle in the Philippines. I'll have to alert my Canadian friend, Jerry, who also lives here about the situation as he lived in Toronto. Thanks for the alert!

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  • Patrick
    October 28th, 2009 8:21 pm

    No problem, Dave. Just doing my duty.

  • Doctor Faustroll
    October 28th, 2009 9:42 pm

    BadGal should know better. The song was Zombie Woof. And here arm is.

    Fucking Canadians leave too much food still walking around.

    Out here in Portland, we do the Jeffrey Dahmer chittlun strut. A bit more private, but a lot more tasty.

    Drop by any time you wants to be prepared, Boy and Girl Scouts.

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  • Patrick
    October 29th, 2009 10:20 am

    Oh Doctor Faustroll, now you've gone and sullied my blog with expletives! Where did you get your Ph.D. from, the university of swearing?! :D

    But yes, you're right, too many brains are wasted here in fucking Canada.

  • marion
    October 30th, 2009 4:27 am

    Looks like fantastic fun I wish I had been there.. I love to dress in costume, at Halloween, and Christmas as well.. COOL !!!

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  • Patrick
    October 30th, 2009 6:41 am

    It wasn't just costume, Marion, it was whole characters. Method acting zombies the entire route; lots of fun :)

  • RichaRie
    November 22nd, 2009 8:25 pm

    3 words from me, Oh My Gosh!! *shocked*

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  • Patrick
    November 23rd, 2009 3:07 pm

    I was shocked at their punctuality too, RichaRie. SHOCKED!

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