photographer cop by -nikkon-

DSC_0074 by proofer2008

No, I’m sorry, but the fireworks at Ontario Place suck serious donkey balls. So much so that even my photos of them suck.

I’m usually not a sucker for fireworks anyway, but when I went to see them last year at Ashbirdge’s Bay I accidentally stumbled on a spot that literally knocked my lid off. I mean, I’m sure they look great from the beach; the reason I know is because I heard the mighty cheers that arose from there with every new volley of thunder. I do not exaggerate when I say it sounded like a rock concert or a horde of vikings, and I was sitting entirely elsewhere.

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untitled (@ Toronto Islands) by go ask alice i think she will know

Doesn’t it seem like the west end is always getting new stuff?

Like just the other day they got new pay shitters. On top of the novelty of $0.25, self-cleaning toilets, residents get the added bonus of getting to watch tourists peepee dance as they hunt for change.

On the east end alls we got now is scrub brush, mounds of dirt, and a bunch of factories.

Kinda ironic considering this section of town predates the west end. And over there they’ve got the Island Airport which Porter Airlines has nicened up considerably (so far, it seems, not abusing their monopoly), the Music Garden, not to mention the Harbourfront Centre and all the artsy shit it barfs up on the shores of Lake Ontario.

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If ever there was a doubt that Canada is still under the British monarchic yoke, you need look no further than up. Well, today anyway. Those explosions happening overhead aren’t even for a living Queen, they’re for Victoria who kicked the bucket at the turn of the last century.

But I don’t wanna get down on old Vickie. For a dusty old monarch she and her kids have barely flexed their muscles in Canada, and if it wasn’t for her we’d all be at work today. Plus the old gal was kind enough to lend her name to the standard Canadian unit of beer, the two-fer (as in, “Happy May two-fer weekend!”), which also goes swimmingly with this time of year.

So thanks for the day off, Vics! We’ll be doing it up for you proper today, not like those crappy fireworks at Ontario Place last night (above).