Normally I wouldn’t pay much mind to people like Mark Cidade, but since he has vowed to run for mayor in 2014, having withdrawn his 2010 bid, and since he decided to get into scraps on Facebook on a variety of topics ranging from poverty to health, I thought it’d be a good idea to preserve some of his insights here for posterity. When the 2014 election rolls around, I sure do hope these are dug up again. And no, none of them are taken out of context.

On why the poor don’t eat home-cooked meals

They have the ability. They just lazy!

So they are cooking-disabled? Is that a thing now all of a sudden? What’s the cure—more drugs?

On why people are poor

Everyone is responsible for their own actions but they are too weak to withstand temptation otherwise they wouldn’t be in that mess. None of them would be.

There are plenty of job opportunities but a lot of these people simply don’t want to work.

On mental health disorders

If you leave someone to their own devices, all symptoms vanish eventually.

On disability benefits

I was a trustee for a client who was on ODSP and this guy would not get his act together! People need role models not incentives.

[someone replied that “things are not that black and white”]

He was brown!

On cancer, AIDS, multiple sclerosis, and depression

Cancer, AIDS, and MS all go away with proper lifestyle choices.

[A stress-free lifestyle is] one of many cures. Not everyone is willing to be un-stressed, unfortunately. I cured my depression. It’s also stress and food related.

On the 2014 election

You don’t know who I am but I’m the next fucking mayor of this city, bitches!

On not winning the 2010 election

I LET him [Rob Ford] win the 2010 election to teach this city a lesson. Everything HE says is by de facto WRONG.

[posted on July 9, 2010] As of today I am officially out of the race—I withdrew my nomination due to health issues.

On Rob Ford

As Robert Ford steps down from his meat scale, women everywhere need to step up and work out!

On Giorgio Mammoliti’s single mother/casino comment

A single Mammy stands up for all single Mommies! Way to go, Georgio. Why don’t we build the casino on the Scarborough bluffs so they can throw their babies off it when some card counter causes a round of lay-offs?

On being accused of rape

People are saying blatantly slanderous things about me while no one says a peep. Would someone please defend me?

On women

Women are people, not objects! Sexy people. That play with sex objects….zzzzzzzzZZZZZZΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩʒʒʒʒʒʒʒʒʒʒʒɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟɟ少林少林少林少林少林少林少林少林少林少林少林少林少林

* the photo at the top of this post isn’t exactly the most recent, but given the general tone of Mark’s comments, it seemed the most appropriate.

I started thinking a bit the other day, as I am wont to do sometimes. About why municipal politics catches my interest while, at the same time, I just couldn’t care less about anything beyond that.

I live in Ontario, but other than the way the provincial government’s been hosing the city lately, I don’t follow anything Queen’s Park. Federally, well, who’s our Prime Minister again? Some wet blanket, obviously.

So why do I care? Local politicians may be mouthier than their higher-ups but it’s still politics. Oh yeah, says the brain, there will undoubtedly be rallies and bullhorns and all sortsa shit to complement the summer. Eureka!

Instantly puts a smile on my face. Plus, apparently the local campaign is considerably longer (10 months), than any other level of government, so it tends to attract hardboiled characters. Everything about it just seems feistier, grittier. And I want to be perfectly clear; I definitely DON’T want anyone to be assassinated or even hurt, but wouldn’t an attempt be the coolest thing ever?

The hardboiled characters are in a constant state of flux, which is also a bonus. Back in early January there were 7 potential or confirmed candidates.  The one candidate I just knew would take a pummelling was, within a few months, blasted with a scandal. He shuffled off the stage in tears after delivering only half of his resignation speech (hardboiled characters only, Jammers).

The roster of current candidates has grown to 26, with an additional 6 having dropped out. I’ll try to keep it quick, but I suspect I’ll need to draw on it in the future, so this list may be a necessary evil. No particular order.

← Rocco Kusi Achampong; born in Ghana on Christmas day, 31-years-old, had the foresight to provide a profile photo on Wikimedia Commons.

→ Don Andrews; born Vilim Zlomislic, leader of the neo-Nazi Nationalist Party of Canada and unremitting racist.

← George Babula; no public profile, but let’s assume he’s born in Toronto. It would make sense considering George’s “Parkdale Party” is running mostly on a platform of nostalgia.

→ Andrew Barton;  I thought Jammers was young! I think Andrew is just doing this for a school project.

← Wendell Brereton; the inner city reverend needs to get a name that’s easier to spell. Excellent headwear and best campaign video yet.

→ Douglas Campbell; another old fuddy-duddy with no online presence, not even a photo. His legacy: “If you vote for a capitalist candidate, you’re voting to kill children.”

← Jaime Castillo; is this how they run things in Peru?! Every single thing on the web page (including the “new plan”) links to the 2003 campaign, now offline. You think you’d have your shit together this time around.

→ Mark Cidade; constantly changing hair style may leave voters anxious. Marxidad is a catchy moniker, and I also speak nerd, but is that enough to win an election?

← Keith Cole; right … fucking … on. If one thing’s sorely missing in municipal politics it’s drag queens. Most direct campaign slogan yet: “Get over it!”

→ Selwyn Firth; hides behind a carefully veiled wall of secrecy and factoids. Facebook profile nearly empty. His kind will take over humanity if not contained. Slogan: “Science should trump emotions.”

← Rob Ford; political heavyweight muscling his way onto Smitherman’s scene (see George Smitherman). He’s a contender. Media connections, dad’s political grease, his own largesse around City Hall – all these add serious weight to his campaign.

→ Baquie Ghazi; obvious name problem aside, why choose to email the platform to some random dude’s blog? If he’s not going to be serious about this…

← Howard Gomberg; how can you not love this guy? Stage experience ranks high on my mayoral skill set, as do improv skills. Keep watching this guy.

→ Monowar Hossain; can’t understand a word you’re saying, my friend! I think I picked up “ruling ideology” in there somewhere, and I appreciate you showing off your diploma, but this is not a great platform to run on.

← John Letonja; misspelling his own site name on his own site makes me dubious of John’s qualifications. But I’d still like to see us “build are own products and manufacture are own goods”.

→ Colin Magee: Tweets need work. That is all.

← Giorgio Mammoliti; did I say he looks like a gangster or what? Giorgio’s another politician who’s been around the block a few times and he’s well supported by “legitimate” business interests.

→ Joseph Pampena; I actually think Joseph’s idea of listing the city on the Toronto Stock Exchange is worth discussing. Let’s see if JP Public Relations Inc. (one client?) can get it out there.

← Joe Pantalone; this is the guy in the current mayor’s butt crack, the Deputy Mayor. I guess he’s pretty well qualified, but won’t everyone just step all over him once he’s mayor?

→ Rocco Rossi; sports a Smithermanesque (see George Smitherman) dome and pretends to be Italian, but lacks a red-meat rage. Lackadaisically high in the polls.

← George Smitherman; Furious George has an interesting back story, apt mix of social awareness, a “fuck you we’re getting it done” attitude, and occasionally resembles Lex Luthor. Front-runner and still my fave to win, even if I didn’t like him.

→ Mark State; resume says born in South Porcupine; okay, good start. Experience includes “Casual Worker”. Good.  And “NLP Practitioner”. Interesting. I wasn’t aware that NLP Practitioner was a profession but I’m sure it comes in handy. We’ll call you as soon as we’ve made our decision, Mark.

← Tom Sullivan; he’s busy disseminating his message far and wide. Just not anywhere I can find it. Apparently he exists, that’s all I can say at the moment.

→ Sarah Thomson; Sarah Thomson … Sarah Palin; the coincidences are hard to ignore. Although Mrs. Thomson comes across as carrying more in the attic, her hyper-businessy past doesn’t sit well with me.

← Rata Wadhwa; Rata continues to plug away at his campaign from a very low profile. His 2003 platform of legalized prostitution, pot, free condoms and Viagra, didn’t win him much initial support. Seven years later and his third time around, can this 55-year-old Charlie Chaplin impersonator give the other candidates a run for their money?

→ Sonny Yeung; Sonny describes himself as a “successfully nominated” candidate, probably owing to his “I won’t be an autocrat” left-wing and “I love deregulation” right-wing olive branches. However, Sonny seems unfocused, stating that his “aim is to offer thought and analysis of the whole campaign.” See, I thought it was to become mayor.

I think it’ll be good fun watching these hardboiled candidates crack. I gather that, for a number of them, the campaign is being run for ulterior motives, but for most of them it’s going to be a brutal, sweaty six months. Many won’t make it.

Maybe I’m stuck in my plebeian ways but this is my kind of politics.